Anti-Dickhead of the Week - Stephen Colbert

colbert
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Prepare yourself. And give yourself a few minutes to enjoy Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondence Dinner last night.

An article summarizing his appearance is here, if you don't have the time or desire to watch video online.

Check out Part I here.
Part II here.
And Part III here.
(If, for some reason, those links don't work, go to www.youtube.com and do a search using the terms, "Colbert roasts Bush.")

Generally speaking, the incredibly uncomfortable humor is done better by the Brits. From Fawlty Towers to The Office to Da Ali G Show comedy derived from the squirm factor makes for some of my favorite entertainment.

Stephen nailed it. He consistently and unwaveringly mocked the president and the press, and yet, with a complete lack of self-consciousness, he addressed both directly, fearlessly making eye contact with the president, even while in mid-mockery.

The man was given a golden opportunity to skewer the president in the best possible way, and I will forever be grateful that Stephen Colbert didn't squander it.

Spotty Posting

Spotty Posting
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'd like to explain the spotty posting. I mean, I guess it's not actually that spotty. But I did miss yesterday, and it looks like I can't do a real one today.

It's that time of year, B&E readers. Grant time. For reasons that escape me, many grants are due at the beginning of May, and since a large portion of my job for Hall Farm is grantwriting, I become particularly busy during this time.

I hope, through my efforts, they are awarded at least as much coin as is pictured.

Oh, damn. I didn't choose a Dickhead this week. Feel free to post your nominee in the comment section. I'm sure they're out there. I just haven't been paying attention.

What Do You Really Want From Me?

I have one of those faces, and so people stop me to ask directions a lot. It happened again last night on the 7 train platform at Queensboro Plaza.

I try to shut off from the world when traveling. I'm not a big fan of strangers, and I don't like talking to them. Strangers are bad, nasty, evil people, as my mom used to tell me. So on planes, I listen to music. On trains, I write in a journal. On the subway, I read. And never -- never -- do I deviate. If I'm on a subway, I would never write in a journal. On a plane, I wouldn't dare read. And listen to music? On a train? Don't make me laugh. But I digress.

Last night I was reading my ever-trusty Nation magazine, when I was approached by one of these strangers I fear and loathe so much.

But I'm also unable to be rude to strangers, so if someone strikes up a conversation with me, I feel like I have to play along.

Right. So I'm in the middle of an article about how Latin America is getting all socialist, much to the chagrin of the Bush administration, when this Asian woman asks me, innocently enough, "Is the express train still running?"

"I don't know what time it is, but if it's not 10pm yet, you can still get an express."

"Good, it's not 10pm yet. What do you do?"

Shit, she wants a conversation.

"I'm a writer."

"Here's my card. If you want to buy an apartment, or if you have an apartment for sale, call me."

It takes her a long time to find her own card, while I try to figure out what my being a writer has to do with real estate. She's got a pocketful of other brokers' cards.

"Thanks."

"You must have a lot of wisdom if you're a writer."

"Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do have a lot of thoughts."

"If those thoughts come from God, I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom."

"Gosh, I certainly hope so."

"If you have the love of God, you will be a successful writer."

"Gosh, I certainly hope that's true."

"If you have the love of God, it is already true. Express train!"

She got on the train, and I realized that this female stranger wanted three things from me in less than a minute: directions, real estate, and a conversion to Christ.

Stupid, demanding strangers.

WTF?

If you do a Google search for Rex Tillerson, B&E's DotW entry for April 7 is at the top of the second page of searching. I did the search myself because for reasons I couldn't quite explain, this old entry has gotten a couple of recent comments.

I'm so Bald & Effective I'm taking over the internet(s)!

Bwoo-ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAA!

Nepal - It's Not Just Sherpas

everest
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Usually, all we hear about Nepal in these parts are the stories of idiots dying trying to climb Mount Everest.

But if you follow the news at all, you're probably vaguely aware that there have been a series of protests against the monarchy in Nepal. A few years ago, the king decided that he didn't want a parliament anymore, so he fired it.

The demonstrations in the past week have featured a number of deaths, particularly after the king told the army to fire into the crowd. That was, after all, a successful approach to the protesters at Kent State.

Anyway, the king gave in to one of the major demands of the protesters -- he reinstated the parliament. Anyone who was fired four years ago is back in office. So what was going to be another demonstration instead became a celebration, and when you see how damned happy the Nepalese are in these celebrations, it's hard not to be happy for them as well.

But if the fine people of the Bush administration attempt to take any sort of credit for this latest positive step toward democracy -- i.e. if I hear the words, "Freedom is on the march," or "Iraq is serving as an inspiration around the world," or "Watch us spread democracy!" ... well, I think I'd have to vomit just a little bit in their mouths.

In separate but related news, my neighborhood has a new Nepalese/Japanese restaurant, called Yeti. I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm looking forward to trying the yak sushi.

Dickhead Watch - The Enron Trial

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's all about the "Watches" as we kick off the week here at B&E. First, the Xady Watch. Now, the Dickhead Watch.

It was Jeff Skilling last week, using every ounce of his charm to convince jurors that he didn't resign from the company and sell millions of dollars in Enron stock because he knew the downfall was coming. We don't yet know if the jury swallowed that horse shit.

This week, Kenny-boy Lay is on the stand. He's laying all the blame on the CFO, who pleaded guilty and is now the prosecution's lead witness. Lay's also reaching for some sympathy points, as he discusses on the stand the pain he felt from Enron's collapse. Poor bastard. It must be really hard perpetrating such a massive fraud and getting caught.

Lay's lead attorney, by the way, is recovering from heart surgery. Skilling, meanwhile, has an entire firm on retainer.

Dude. These Dickheads are totally getting off, aren't they?

Xady Watch - Week of April 24

xady
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm beginning a new feature, here, at B&E, that I'm sure everyone will be excruciatingly interested in.

Visitors to B&E (the ones that don't skip the baseball posts) will be aware of Xavier "Who?" Nady's impressive start to the season. He batted 1.000 through his first five at-bats.

Xady Watch will attempt to solve the mystery of "Who?" and keep everyone up to date of his exploits throughout the season. It will continue until I either get bored with "Who?" or until someone in or out of the Mets organization gives me a free Xavier Nady jersey.

"Who?" is currently one of four Mets to have played in all 18 games. He is batting .324 (third highest average among everyday Mets players) and has hit five home runs (second on the team). He has made one error in right field.

And that's Xady Watch for the Week of April 24.

The Oldest Home Run Ever

metslogo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Mets first-base-playing, pinch-hitting, 12-meals-of-organic-food-eating veteran Julio Franco, who spends the off-season living in a retirement home in Florida, hit a home run last night. He is the oldest player ever to hit a home run in Major League baseball.

Julio is in his 31st season as a professional baseball player. There are retired ballplayers who were born during Julio's professional career. Did I just blow your mind?

In other Mets news, Batman-fielding/Joker-hitting Anderson Hernandez has a bulging disc in his back, which forced the Mets to call up Japanese import and overall disappointment Kaz Matsui. I'm fond of bad-mouthing Kaz, and Mets fans are quite fond of booing him during warm-ups.

Well, in San Diego last night, in his first game/first pitch/first swing back, Kaz hit an inside-the-park home run. Maybe he's going to try to win back the second baseman's job he so spectacularly lost.

But don't forget, Mets fans... Kaz also homered in his first ever Major League at-bat, and he went from Japanese savior to Japanese scapegoat in a matter of days.

Trivia! We fought the Japanese in World War II! We won! (Or did we...)

Dickhead of the Week - Rudy Giuliani

giuliani
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I don't think I've ever gone off on Giuliani. His free ride on B&E is over.

Here I was all set to name Ralph Reed Dickhead of the Week, because he's a Dickhead, and it's good to remind people of that occasionally, particularly as he's running for Lieutenant Governor of Georgia while also embroiled in the Abramoff scandal. Oui, oui, Raphie-boy is a Dickhead.

So as I go trolling for the appropriate photo of Herr Reed, I head to his campaign website, and what should be on the home page but an announcement of an event featuring none other than "America's Mayor" Rudolph Giuliani. Last week Rudy, in his infinite Dickheadedness, campaigned for Senator Rick "Sanitorium" Santorum.

While mayor of NYC, Giuliani was heralded by folks on all sides of the political spectrum as a "moderate." I never felt that to be true, as I thought turning Manhattan into a giant Disneyfied strip mall was actually pretty extreme. But somehow, being pro-choice now equals being moderate.

Rudy is now known across the nation as the face of calm in the wake of 9/11, and far be it from me to tell you that it wasn't true. Frankly, I found his leadership to be rather calming, too, and I live on the world's bull's eye.

But then he reminded all of us New Yorkers why so many of us think he's a dictatorial prick, announcing that he wanted to stay on as mayor indefinitely, until the crisis was over.

Since leaving the mayor's office, Rudy's been doing little other than priming his run for the presidency in 2008. At every turn, he shows that he's a "party man." Campaigning for Santorum almost makes sense in that context, since he's the Republican running for Senate and all.

But Ralph "God Is On My Side" Reed is currently in a tight primary race for Lieutenant Governor of Georgia. Rudy could've supported the other Republican. And yet he's chosen to support the babyface of the Religious Right. Fuck you, Rudy.

I take some solace in the fact that most New York politicians don't understand that, outside New York, no one gives a shit about them. Pander all you want, none of those fundamentalists are going anywhere near a pro-choice Republican who managed to get elected in a "Blue State." That goes for you, too, Pataki. Dickheads.

A Word About the Mother Dickhead

rove
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan's resignation happened first thing in the morning along with a press conference featuring Dubya himself. By putting so much focus on Scottie, the White House essentially buried Karl "Boba" Rove's demotion. But Boba Rove has been stripped of the policy portion of his job description. It looks like a demotion. It smells like a demotion. Perhaps it's a demotion.

Naturally, the Bush administration is spinning this to say that they are allowing Boba Rove to focus on his strengths. They need his help to keep some seats in the 2006 midterm elections, and as a political/election strategist, Rove is second-to-none.

The administration spin is right, I say. Rove is more dangerous now than he was before. He has more time to concoct more schemes like the one he orchestrated against John McCain in South Carolina, implying that McCain fathered an illegitimate black child.

He's an electoral evil genius. And in the 18 hours those of us on the left have been laughing at his demotion, he figured out how Rick "Douchebag" Santorum can keep his seat in November.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Scottie Surrenders!

scott
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

We all knew it was coming, but the day's finally here: Scott "Go Ahead, Goyal" McClellan has resigned.

In any other administration, I'd say that Bush would be hard pressed to find someone who can dodge and lie as well as Scottie, but there seems to be no shortage of dodgers and liars among their ranks.

Hey, Bush administration! A modest proposal! Why not stop pretending? Hire a deaf mute as press secretary.

Family Member I Never Knew I Had

I learned this morning that my first-cousin-once-removed-in-law is named Mungo.

Mungo.

Heh.

Mungo...

Oppenheimer's Resurgence

oppenheimer
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Those of you interested in such things as the Pulitzer Prize may have already heard that the prize in the biography category this year went to a book called American Prometheus, a little ditty in 736 dense pages by Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin. Its subject matter is Robert Oppenheimer, father of the nuclear bomb, and it took the authors nearly three decades to complete.

Nope. Haven't read it. But the news of its Pulitzer Prize victory reminded me of a fella who was once in residence up at Hall Farm. While an artist-in-residence at Hall Farm, Tim Guthrie of Omaha, Nebraska began work on his own little mixed media Oppenheimer ditty, and while it didn't take him three decades to complete, it will still haunt you more than that scene from Poltergeist in which the guy rips off his face.

This posting is turning into more of a shill than I anticipated, but Tim's whole site is worth a perusal, and in case you miss it, the video of Bush getting heckled in Omaha... Yup. That's our buddy Tim doing the heckling.

The Place To Be?

So this morning I got an internet connection issue fixed by Time Warner Cable of New York City. Prompt customer service, as something I don't expect, generally makes me exceedingly happy. So kudos to TWC of NYC for its service today. Jose, my man, you were a quality customer support representative, even though you seemed quite confused that I had internet and phone service, but not cable television.

Anyway, prior to reaching Jose, while I was working my way through the menus and during the few seconds I was on hold, there was the usual branding promotion. "Thank you for choosing Time Warner Cable: The Place To Be."

To paraphrase Martin Luther, "What the fuck does that mean?" Time Warner Cable is neither a place nor a state of mind. So how can I "be" "there"?

Should I hang out with a service guy in his van? Is that the place to be? Are there constant parties happening at the Time Warner Cable offices? Is that the place to work? Or should I simply turn on the TV, talk on the phone, and surf the net because, thanks to Time Warner Cable of NYC, my home is "The Place To Be"?

Hey, TWC of NYC marketers! You need to fix your tagline!

Oh, wait. Those dastardly bastards. Check out how much they've gotten me to obsess about Time Warner Cable of New York City. Perhaps they're geniuses...

Some Easter Shout-Outs

Easter
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Despite my traumatic Easter experience as a three-year-old, I tend to have decent enough feelings about the Easter holidays. Chocolate eggs and egg salad are both delicious, after all. And a few pieces of Easter news deserve some shout-outs:

First shout-out goes to president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo of the Phillippines. Inspired by the life-affirming message of Easter, she commuted every death sentence in her country.

Pope Benedict gets the second shout-out. His Easter message was one of peace, giving a gentle ribbing to our war-mongering president. And this guy was a former Nazi!

And finally, a special shout-out goes to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who conquered death, defeated Satan, and (perhaps most impressively) rolled the stone away from his tomb. He is risen!

(Come on, people. You're all supposed to reply, "He is risen indeed!" you godless heathens.)

Dickhead of the Week - Colin Powell

powell
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I almost feel bad calling Mr. Powell a Dickhead. Almost. He is, after all, the only member of the Bush administration to remain seemingly credible (having left the administration after one lousy term).

But Mr. Powell has recently been speaking again. A few days ago I read a story quoting Powell as saying that Bush was following Cheney's lead on the Iraq nuclear threat. "It was all Cheney," he said. And now Mr. Powell says that he and his team of experts never believed Iraq was a real threat, before we went to war in 2003.

What the fuck, Mr. Powell? Where were you before we declared war? Oh, wait... I remember...

You were the face of the Bush administration in front of the United Nations. Even then, your face was considered the only credible face of the Bush administration to present the "evidence" that Iraq had its biological weapons.

Yeah, nice talcum powder, buddy. Good Christ (it's Good Friday, everyone!).

Let's try not to forget his role in the Iraq disaster when he declares his desire to run for president in 2008.

But Colin vs. Russ in 2008? At least we'd have a respectable campaign. A black vs. a Jew? It'll never happen.

I'm Not Alone

russ thong
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Others share my love for Russ "Oh, So" Feingold.

Blondandeffective (if that is indeed her name) made me aware of these fine products available for sale.

Get them now, people, before Russ officially declares his candidacy and changes the logo to something even more boring and politically typical.

Hey, Blondandeffective! How come there's no Russ Feingold hijab? That's some kind of major fucking oversight!

52-Second Film Festival - A Shill

52 Second Card
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Loyal B&E readers,

My primary employer is presenting The 52-Second Film Festival, which is a nice opportunity for those interested in dabbling in the film medium.

In 1895, the Lumiere Brothers presented to the public their cinematograph, which was a camera, printer, and projector, all rolled into one. Their reels were 52 seconds in length.

In 1995, to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Lumiere Brothers' presentation, a replica of the cinematograph was handed off to film directors around the world, each of whom made a 52-second film. The result was Lumiere and Company.

Hall Farm was hosting its annual artist residency program two summers ago, when someone had the idea of the Insufferable Film Festival, a nightly screening of some of world cinema's most pretentious films. Lumiere and Company was screened, and the artists-in-residence (being artists) universally declared, "I can make a better 52-second film than most of those."

Well, since it was only 52 seconds, Hall Farm's director said, "Go to it, then, artists. We'll screen them when you're ready."

The results were amazing. There was animation, stop-motion digital photography, one-take ridiculousness, collaborations among artists, and even Hall Farm staff participation.

(The video of my bobbing head came from this idea as well, but we were unable to stop at only 52 seconds.)

It was out of this fun experiment that the 52-Second Film Festival was born. We'd like everyone to participate, not just filmmakers, and honestly, not just artists. Power to the people, baby. Give us 52 seconds, and we'll give you the world. Wait. That's CNN or something...

Anyway, the only rule is that films must be 52 seconds in length. Since I know most of my readers (and I therefore know how creative many of you are), I hope you'll all submit films to the contest. You could even win $500.

Get more details and application forms here. And I guess I can answer any questions you might have, as well.

Sorry, Folks

I don't feel terribly inspired at the moment, so for now you'll just have to chew on this:

The New York Mets currently have the best record in baseball.

Sunnyside's Ragiest

Fellow 'hoodies already know that Sunnyside's post office is the worst place on earth. On top of being a picture of inefficiency, the anger emanating from employees and customers alike bubbles near explosiveness. Whenever there's a "gone postal" incident in the US, people on the news express their shock at how events have unfolded. Well, I'm shocked that there hasn't yet been some type of postal bloodbath at our local branch.

A typical three hours in line at Sunnyside's post office might result in the following exchange, which actually happened:

WOMAN IN LINE: Give me the fucking package back. I'll tape it myself. Fuck!
POSTAL WORKER: Fuck you!
WOMAN IN LINE: Fuck you!
POSTAL WORKER: Fuck you FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCKYOU!
WOMAN IN LINE (overlapping): FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!

In the context of our current national immigration debate, perhaps I should point out that the postal worker was a Korean immigrant, and the Woman in Line was a Latino immigrant, so the exchange happened in thick accents, which made it all the more compelling. Or felonious, depending on your feelings about immigration.

When (not if) the shooting happens at the Sunnyside post office, I want NY1 to interview me, so that there's someone to say, "Yeah, this has been brewing for years. Frankly, I'm surprised the body count wasn't higher. Or sooner."

And yes, I'm writing this because I'm trying to put off a necessary visit. Goddammit.

A Fine Day for Mets Baseball

Not only did Brian Bannister pick up his first Major League win against the Nationals in Washington, DC, today, but the hometown crowd booed Dick(head) Cheney mightily as he threw out the ceremonial first pitch. Yes, the boo birds rained down upon the shiny pate of our second-in-command, and even the Fox affiliate's muting of the sound part-way through couldn't serve as an umbrella.

Add the fine weather, and you've got a perfect day for the Mets.

WTFWJD?

religious US
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I admit I first heard the above question over at Virgil's site a few months ago (go to the bottom of the page), but it's a question I've been thinking about a bit the past week or so, and the liberal media seems to be feeding my curious nature by asking similar questions themselves.

As someone who grew up in a highly Christian and liberal household, I've always found the hate-mongering theology of the religious right to be misinformed, ill-conceived, and fucking twisted. Shame on them.

The knee-jerk reaction, and one I had as a kid, even, arguing with my mostly conservative Lutheran school classmates, was that Jesus was most certainly a Democrat. He helped the poor, accepted the outcasts, and kicked the moneylenders out of the Temple. So imagine my surprise, in 1984, when Reagan defeated Mondale in our classroom election 18-4 (19-4, if you include the teacher's vote). This was a concept I just couldn't get my head around.

So, naturally, even today, there's a part of me that believes it's time to Take Jesus Back. And the ever-reliable Nation magazine has a slew of recent articles stating essentially the same thing.

But, then, really... don't you want your spiritual leaders (and especially, say, your savior) to transcend politics? The NY Times was kind enough to include a recent Op-Ed piece, arguing this point, particularly where Jesus is concerned.

I'm too busy to answer all these questions for myself, much less for all of you. So go read some of the articles and tell me what to think. I'm putty in your hands.

You hear me, Russ? If you're reading this, I'm putty in your hands!

Nuking Iran?

Once again, Seymour Hersh freaks my shit out.

Another Dream Down the Drain

beardy sink
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Well, three weeks into my expected decades-long bid to compete in the World Beard Championships, I groomed.

A video I once made while bored in Vermont surfaced over at Virgil's, and somehow, when the missus saw it, she deemed me to be quite attractive with an uncovered face, even when said face is behaving ridiculously.

There's no telling what some girls find attractive...

But the clipping (no shaving on my face, thank you very much) process was a fun one. First I gave myself mutton chops and a Van Dyke. Then I had the muttons, a soul patch, and some handlebars. Then just a 70's porn 'stache and the soul patch. And finally, at the missus' request, left only the soul patch (she couldn't take much more of the mustache look). Refusing to fall into the trap of having "ironic facial hair," I took off the soul patch. I'm of German descent. We're not famous for our soul, and a patch doesn't help.

Dickhead of the Week - Rex Tillerson

tillerson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'm perhaps a bit sensitive to the unfairness of money-earning in the corporate world after watching Enron: The Smartest Men in the Room last night. (Rent it today.) All those executives dumping their stocks worth millions, while all those workers got screwed out of their retirement savings? Oh, it just makes me so mad. Rex, by the way, has nothing to do with Enron. I'm letting the Enronites off the hook until the jury hands down a verdict.

Rex is, however, the CEO of Exxon Mobile, and he makes about $13,700 an hour. Someone working at the federal minimum wage gets less than $11,000 a year.

OK, so maybe Exxon Mobile is paying him "market rate" for his services, and I shouldn't hold his salary against him personally. But then I think about all of the other evils of the oil industry, and I realize that Dickheadedness doesn't even begin to cover one of its leaders. J'accuse, Oedipus Rex!

Runners-up, by the way, include the others mentioned in the above article: Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart, gets paid about $3,500 an hour (and adding to the hypocrisy is that the majority of the staff earns minimum wage); and David Lesar, CEO of Halliburton gets about $8,300 an hour, profiting off the death and destruction of soldiers and civilians alike.

Good times for Dickheads.

Opening Night at Shea!

sheaview
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

(Not to be confused with Opening Day, which was Monday.)

It was cold last night. Really cold. It got even colder when the Nationals came from behind to steal the win away from Brian Bannister who, in his Major League debut, had a no-hitter into the 6th inning. He had a one-run lead when he left the game, and then new superstar closer Billy Wagner blew the save, something he did once all of last season. There were calls for the return of Braden Looper, but I think they were being facetious, as a disappointed Mets fan is wont to be.

Still, there were highlights. Oh, yes, there were highlights...

- Geoff Tate, lead singer of (the borough of) Queensryche, sang the national anthem. There's this delay between when the singer sings and the voice comes through the PA. So if you're at field level near the performer, you can hear the voice before it's amplified. I was pretty high up in the mezzanine section, and I could hear Geoff's vocals pre-PA. His voice was completely clear; it had a certain lucidity, if you will, but that lucidity was in no way silent. (Trivia! Queensryche has umlauts over the y! In German, this makes absolutely no fucking sense!)

- A new year brings some new players, and an arsenal of new songs to be spun while said players come up to bat. New catcher Paul LoDuca came up to the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive." Cliff Floyd kept his kidneys afloat with Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough." (Trivia! Michael Jackson lives in Dubai and tried to buy American ports!)

- Xavier "Who" Nady led off his night with a home run, extending his 1.000 batting average into a second game, but the streak ended there. (Trivia! We will probably never hear from Who again!)

- Second baseman Anderson "Keith" Hernandez made an impressive catch that won't make any highlight reels, because two innings later, he made what was truly the most spectacular catch I've ever seen. He's like Batman out there. Unfortunately, he's a bit of a Joker at the plate. He's oh-for-the season so far, and struck out three times last night. He doesn't look remotely comfortable. (Trivia! My favorite comfort food is macaroni and cheese with ice cream for dessert!)

- When the Mets fans got restless last night, they began a chant of "Yankees suck! Yankees suck!" I'm not sure who these "yankees" are, but apparently, they suck. (Trivia! Lampreys suck, too!)

- I used "Mets Money" to buy my ticket last night. My mom got it for me for Christmas. Thanks, Mom. (Trivia! Don't mock my mother or I'll kick your fucking ass! No one mocks my mother but me!)

Let's Go, Mets!

Anti-Dickhead of the Week - More Anti-Dickheadedness!

feingold
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Yes, my lover, Russ "Balls of" Feingold, has done it again. He continues to seduce me away from my hetero ways.

Russ has become the first (tell me if you know of another) U.S. Senator to "come out" in favor of gay marriage.

Democrats are politically bisexual when it comes to gay marriage. They've blown the issue (so to speak), trying to have it both ways. Yes to civil unions. No to gay marriage. Gay-haters aren't going to distinguish between the two things anyway, and until gay folks have the same rights as everyone else, we'll have yet another whole set of second-class citizens in our country.

And the last thing we want is to breed an entire generation of gay terrorists!

Some of you may ask if Russ's pending divorce and his support of gay marriage have anything to do with my love for Russ "Oh, So" Feingold. Well, I say, "Shame on you. How dare you insinuate that Russ would have such poor taste as to take up with a bald, hairy man such as myself. Russ has much more class."

Oh! Unless he's a member of the Bear Club!

Irrevocably Broken, Unless I Fix It

anna benson
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I had a hunch we hadn't heard the last from the Bensons.

A little background... Kris Benson was a pitcher for the Mets last year. Competent, not brilliant. Kris's bat-shit crazy wife, Anna, is a gun-toting, war-mongering right-wing lunatic. So when Kris got himself traded during this past off-season, much speculation in the media pointed to Anna as the real cause.

That sounds like a stupid theory to me, but when she went off on badass Carlos Delgado, who quietly protests the War in Iraq by refusing to stand during "God Bless America," I wanted her out of New York, too.

But in joining the Mets, Carlos agreed to quit his quiet protest. That, too, seems stupid to me, as New York as a city is pretty firmly anti-Iraq War, but it is what it is, and that's not the point of this post. I'm talking about Anna and Kris Benson, not Carlos Delgado.

Last week, Anna Benson filed for divorce. Rumor has it she walked in on Kris making out with her friend. This week, she seems to have changed her mind.

I was gonna get all snarky on the Bensons, but then I realized that I wasn't going to do better than My Favorite Sports Site, Deadspin, whose collection of Anna Benson writings makes me about as happy as a good come-from-behind Mets victory.

(If you follow the link, I'd recommend reading from the bottom up, for chronology.)

Poverty's Hot!

materesa
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

In Thiruvananthapuram, India, the AFP is reporting that an Indian director by the name of T. Rajeevnath has scheduled a meeting with Paris Hilton in the hopes that the brilliant actress, social activist, and defender of the poor will portray Mother Teresa in his upcoming film.

Rajeevnath states in the article that computer-generated images revealed a close match in bone structure and facial features. And let's not forget Paris's extreme humility, profound spirituality, and well-documented work with the dying.

Hey, Rajeevnath, a word of advice: In your meeting with Paris, I wouldn't tell her that she looks like Mother Teresa. I'm not sure she'd see it as the compliment you almost certainly intend it to be.

[Another fine story introduced to me by HuffPo.]

Dickhead Watch - The Enron Trial

layskilling
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Between the beginning of baseball season and just generally being busy lately, I haven't been paying close attention to the trial of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, Bastards of Enron.

The prosecution rested yesterday after 32 days and 22 witnesses. Now it's the defense's turn, and Skilling could take the stand tomorrow.

Here comes The Retard Defense. "What? All that was going on? No, I had no idea. I was so busy looking at the big picture, all those illegalities were details I had no sense of at all." If that's true, Dickheads, you should at least give back your previous salaries.

The New York Times has an article I won't bother to link to about the make-or-break defense approach of having the accused take the stand. If the jury likes them, they could get off. But if they make any kind of mistake -- seeming too smug, too vague, too smarmy, too untrustworthy -- they're pretty much screwed.

Former Dickhead Richard Scrushy played it brilliantly and got off. Former Dickheads Bernie Ebbers and Dennis Kozlowski, not so much.

By the way, the documentary Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room is out on DVD. It's apparently quite the indictment of these Dickheads, and it's currently sitting at the top of my Netflix queue.

Good luck, boys. Hope the guns pointing at your respective feet don't make you too nervous.

Dickhead of the Week - Follow-Up

delay onesie
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Facing continued money laundering charges and dropping poll numbers, Tom "I Will Quit Without" DeLay is resigning from Congress.

In typical bully behavior, i.e. not challenging to fight anyone he can't beat, The Hammer opted to quit rather than lose. A recent poll had him leading in his re-election bid, but just barely, and his lead was dwindling consistently. So he quit. "It was a little too risky," he said.

You're a fucking coward and a quitter, Mr. DeLay.

Naturally, John "Lobbyist Paid Travel Gives Me A" Boehner had some nice things to say about DeLay. "He has served our nation with integrity and honor." Boehner failed to mention that he spoke of "honor" sarcastically, and that he used "integrity" in the Old English sense of the word, defined as "syphillitic."

Resignation may be a good first step, but I hope this Dickhead goes to jail. He's probably the only person in the country who can do just as much damage to the government from the outside as he's done on the inside.

But goodbye for now, Mr. Whiny Dickhead. On your way out, be sure to kiss my war-hating, universal-health-care-supporting, independent-judiciary-loving, abortion-rights-fighting, Russ-Feingold-caressing, everlasting-hair-growing ass.

Opening Day Wrap-Up

Mets win, 3-2!

Two Mets are batting 1.000: Pitcher Tom Glavine (2-for-2) and Xavier "Who?" Nady (4-for-4). Who is apparently attempting to make a name for himself. Keep it up, Who, and you just might become the favorite Who in Whoville.

Other highlights: David Wright hit a home run, but all the big name players were oh-fers: Reyes was 0-5, Beltran 0-4, and Delgado 0-3. That's why they get the big bucks, folks! New closer, Billy Wagner had a near flawless 9th inning for the save.

Trivia! The 7-train, which is deeply loved by John Rocker and runs out to Shea Stadium, is referred to as a "subway," even though the majority of the line runs on an elevated track!

Why the National League is Better

Four-plus innings into the first game of the year, and 63-year-old pitcher Tom "Tommy Gun" Glavine is batting 1.000.

Trivia! You won't see that shit in the American League with their new-fangled Designated Hitters!

Opening Day, Baby!

metslogo
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

With every single player in Major League Baseball under suspicion of using steroids, the bulky 63-year-old Tommy Glavine makes his start for Queens' burliest this afternoon to kick off another championship season for the Amazin's.

Yes, baseball season is officially upon us, making sweet, sweet love to us with all the tenderness of Senator Russell Feingold of Wisconsin.

Opening Day lineup, if I were Manager Willie Randolph of Brooklyn:

1) Jose "Take a Goddamn Pitch, Will Ya" Reyes, SS
2) Carlos "Better Have a Better Year" Beltran, CF
3) David "I'm dim but nice!" Wright, 3B
4) Carlos "US Out of North America!" Delgado, 1B
5) Clifford "Motherfuckin'" Floyd, LF
6) Paul "That's a Spicy Meatball" LoDuca, C
7) Xavier "Who?" Nady, RF
8) Anderson "Keith" Hernandez, 2B
9) Tom "Tommy Gun" Glavine, P

Trivia! New York apparently has a second baseball team! I'll keep you posted as information comes across home plate!