Dickhead of the Week - Peter King

peter king
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

There's a Dickhead in these here parts! His name is Congressman Peter "Pistol Pete" King of New York's 3rd District on Long Island. Queens and Brooklyn share an island with the one called Long, and this Dickhead makes me want to swim back to Manhattan. And swimming in the East River... well, that's just gross.

Anyway, Pistol Pete is the New York face to the attack on The New York Times, which had the audacity to do its job this week. The Times reported that the US is looking into international banking records to find terrorists. How dare they report on stuff! The gall!

I don't really have anything to add to the multitudes raving about how the Bush administration is blaming the messenger, and how they have no credibility in their attacks.

But Pistol Pete has asked Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez to investigate The New York Times with an eye toward prosecuting. Come on, Dickhead. We do still have freedom of the press. And one of the jobs of the press is to serve as a check on governmental excess.

Peter King, I'm embarrassed to share an island with a Dickhead like you.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this is a photo of Peter King, even though it doesn't look much like the photo he keeps on his congressional website. Hey, Pistol Pete! Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your graying hair and thickening face?

Oh, yes, we take the cheap shots, too, here at B&E.

Worst Christians Ever

commandments
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right-wingers love to put up the Ten Commandments anywhere that's public. I sometimes wonder how many of them have them up in their homes. Is that something you can get a warrant to find out?

Well, I'll grab any chance to highlight hypocrisy in these terrible Christians, and here are two lovely demonstrations:

On The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert was doing his regular feature, "Better Know a District," interviewing Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia's 8th District. Lynn co-sponsored a bill to put the Ten Commandments up in the House of Representatives. The two videos about Georgia's 8th show Colbert nailing the hypocrite. It's a good time.

For a Commandment-by-Commandment approach demonstrating the terribleness of these right-wing Christians, the ever-reliable Nation magazine shows how Supreme Christian Leader George W. Bush and his Christian Cohorts of the Right have broken every single one of the ten, while piously pronouncing and touting their acceptance of Jesus as their Personal Savior.

I'm doing a better job living by the rule of the Ten Commandments, and I'm a godless heathen, for crying out loud. Get with it, Christians. You're making Jesus cry.

What Next?

flaming flag
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Because flag-burning is such a rampant problem in our country, the Senate put the old reliable flag-burning amendment forward for a vote. Always a good thing to bring up in an election year.

This time, the vote was close. It was one vote shy of passing the Senate and going to the states for ratification. Sixty-six senators voted in favor of the amendment.

And good for those sixty-six senators. I hate that everytime I try to cross the street, there's a burning flag blocking my path. I've had it up to my ears in burning flags, and I'm sick and tired of it.

While they're at it, the Senate needs to pass an amendment banning burning bags of shit. If I answer my doorbell to another burning bag of shit, I'm going to lose it. Anything that combines fire and feces should be unconstitutional.

But this, of course, raises an important question. If we can't burn them, what are we to do with the shitbags we have representing us in the Senate?

Who knows? But if we don't act soon, someone's gonna figure out how to burn bags of shit-covered flags, and that's just a step away from teaching evolution in schools.

Act now.

A Man Who Cares

A special shout-out today goes to Joe Mikulik, Manager of the Class A Asheville Tourists, who had one hell of an on-field tantrum. I mean, really, if you're going to get ejected from a game, no point in holding back. Start with a cup of Billy Martin, add a splash of Earl Weaver, drop in a quarter-cup of Larry Bowa, and don't forget to add your pinch of Tommy Lasorda. Then mix well. In fact, mix the shit out of it.

A second shout-out goes to the ever-reliable Deadspin for their excellent coverage of the event.

Five Years

Upshot_Event
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So last night, some former colleagues planned a little get-together to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the demise of our employer. Fifth anniversary. Five years. Five.

Five years ago I was in my twenties.

Five years ago I wasn't married. Hell, I don't even think I was dating.

Five years ago, September 11th was just another day on the calendar.

Five years ago, the biggest problem I had with the Bush administration was that they stole Gore's victory.

Five years ago, I had no debt. (Student loans don't count.)

Five years ago, my dad was alive.

Five years ago, I wasn't playing baseball.

Five years ago, the Mets were terrible, masquerading as a contender.

Five years ago, I had about twelve different crushes on the incredibly hot women I worked with. Holy crap. I don't know how they did the hiring, but it was good work. (I think the men at our gathering last night were disappointed that only two of those hot women showed up. Bit of a sausage festival, actually.)

Five years ago, I was a miserable corporate hack, renting my soul for far too little money to a company that not only marketed liquor to minority children, but also took away "Summer Fridays" only to reinstate a half-assed "Summer Friday" policy that began at 3pm, instead of noon.

Yes, fair B&E readers, It's been five years since I've worked nine-to-five (what a way to make a living!); five years since I've worn pants every day.

The gathering last night reminded me that I worked with some fine people. And at least one jackass. Then again, they worked with me, too! But the gathering got me thinking a bit about my life now vs. my life then.

I'll take my life now, thank you very much. The missus, the baseball, Hall Farm, a (slightly) more flexible writing schedule, and the loveliest, most attractive friends on earth (especially those in Sunnyside!) far outweigh the financial instability, the loss of a parent, and even the debacle that is the current Bush administration.

And anyway, at least one of those present-day negatives is reversible.

I'm working with a guy, Dad. Get ready for reanimation!

Xady Watch - Week of June 26

nady wrist tape
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Still sixth among everyday players (behind Wright, Reyes, Valentin, Beltran (who got an extra i in his name last week - well done, Beltran!), and LoDuca), Nady remains respectable, batting .270 with 11 home runs on the season.

I'd like to pause here and reflect upon this oddity: the Mets have an eleven-and-a-half game lead over the Philadelphia Phillies in the National League East. Yes, it's only June 26, but that's a big fucking lead. Atlanta, by the way, who I still fully expect to win the division this year, is currently fifteen-and-a-half out of first place and are currently bringing up the rear of the division. Well done, offensive tomahawk chopping motherfuckers.

In other baseball news, I want to acknowledge a major loss for our Vermont baseball league. Umpire extraordinaire, Frank Giamartino died last week in a car accident driving home from umpiring a Babe Ruth league game. Frank was the only umpire in the league I knew by name. He called a great game and was respectful to our team, even when we played like a bunch of morons. It was always a pleasure to see Frank behind the plate.

Frank was also a big Mets fan. Seems that all the best men are.

For a nice little piece of writing about baseball and Frank, I turn your attention to this. Even if you don't like baseball, take a moment to enjoy a good piece of writing about a hell of a good man.

One of Those Great New York Things

daily show
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A few months ago, it was "The Colbert Report." Yesterday, the missus and I went to "The Daily Show." We requested tickets back in February, and after one failed attempt, we got seats for last night's show.

I love that these things are free. I mean, it was hotter than a monkey's ass yesterday (very hot), and you have to sit outside for hours to guarantee your seats, but it didn't cost anything to go. This is a major plus to living in New York City. It might be one of the most expensive cities in the world, but there's a lot of free shit to do.

But after several hours of sitting on the sidewalk outside the show, we were let into the gorgeously air-conditioned studio. There was a warm-up act, who was a hell of a lot better than the warm-up act we got for Stephen Colbert. Man, that guy blew. But the guy yesterday was surprisingly funny. Most stand-up comedy is decidedly not.

Then Jon came out and took questions prior to taping the show. My personal favorite:

"If President Bush gave you one of his nicknames, what would it be?"

"Kike." Big laugh. Then, "Jersey Jewbag." Slipping into his Dubya impression, "Jersey, 'cause yer from Jersey. And Jewbag... 'cause yer a Jewbag. Heh heh heh heh."

It wasn't the best "Daily Show" ever, but it was fun. Adam Sandler was the guest. Frankly, I was hoping for a politico, but Adam Sandler was alright.

And it was free!

Xady Watch - Week of June 19

xady dinger
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

He's back, baby, minus one appendix. In Monday's game, he complained about his timing being off. In Tuesday's game, he hit two home runs.

Yes, it's been a long three weeks, but Who was ably replaced by rookie-may-someday-be-a-sensation Lastings Milledge. Lastings showed flashes of brilliance and flashes of boneheadedness, which is typical for a pre-teen just arriving in the Major Leagues.

Anyway, Who has returned. He's now batting .266, and those two home runs last night bring his grand total into the double-digits, at 11. With all the Mets hitting well lately, and Who sitting on his couch for a few weeks, his batting average is now sixth among everyday players, behind Wright, Valentin, Beltrain, LoDuca, and Reyes.

OK, so unless something of real interest happens, I'm going to lay off the baseball for the rest of the week. Even DotW is baseball-related.

But 'tis the season, so get used to it suckas, I mean, fair B&E readers.

Dickhead of the Week - David Glass

glass
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

When a man's actions get me to agree with Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Or Kansas City, as the case may be.

Twenty years ago, the Kansas City Royals were a force to be reckoned with. They were a small-market team that won the I-70 World Series in 1985 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Even though I've always been more of a National League fan, it was hard not to warm up to the Royals teams of the 80s, from my proximity in Topeka.

Enter new(ish) owner, David Glass. Now the Royals are perennial hundred-game losers. It's a sad sight.

The easiest explanation would be, of course, that the Kansas City market can't compete with the likes of New York, Chicago, LA, etc. This is why Major League Baseball participates in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Small-market teams receive revenue and excessive payroll penalties from teams like the Yankees and Mets, who can afford to pay too much for good players.

George Steinbrenner, who's pretty famous for being an asshole, was against this plan, of course. "What's to keep owners from simply pocketing the money?" he asked, knowing that's exactly what he would do, if given half an opportunity.

The Kansas City Royals payroll was just shy of $37 million in 2005. Yet they received $64 million in revenue sharing and luxury taxes. Where's all that extra money, David Glass? Are you keeping it in your freezer?

But David "Heart of" Glass is keeping up appearances. He introduced a new general manager to the press and got so annoyed by persistent questions about the previous GM from radio reporters Bob Fescoe and Rhonda Moss that he revoked their press passes to the stadium for the rest of the year.

Add to this that David "I've Got No" Glass won the right to buy the Royals, despite offering $24 million less than the other bidder. Oh, and he's also a former CEO of Wal-Mart, who's most famous during his tenure for storming out of a Dateline interview like a petulant child.

Yes, I'm afraid all signs point to Dickheadedness. David "I'm Turning the Royals Into Shards of" Glass, you are Dickhead of the Week.

A Modest Proposal: Wood Bats

bamboo bat
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

About half this season, my Vermont baseball league is being played with wood bats, rather than metal. It's a test-run to see if we can become an all wood-bat league. For those of you interested, but not familiar, with the argument for and against metal and wood bats, here's a summary:

Pro Metal Bat/Con Wood Bat
- Metal bats are ultimately cheaper. It's hard to break a metal bat, so it becomes a one-time investment. Players are willing to share their bats with teammates.

- It's easier to hit with a metal bat. The sweet spot is bigger, and the ball goes farther.

Pro Wood Bat/Con Metal Bat
- It's more dangerous. Alright, so injuries can happen with wood bats as well, but the technology of metal bats allows for lighter bats with more power. Bat speed goes up, balls fly faster with our aging reflexes, and someone could get hurt.

- It's easier to hit with a metal bat. You can do it with little actual skill. The game has more finesse with a wood bat.

- Real baseball is played with wood bats.

There are more points to be made on both sides, probably, but that's why I called it a summary.

I played my first wood-bat game on Saturday night in Ludlow, Vermont. As I mentioned in a previous posting, it's an ideal place to play ball. Mountains, sunset, a nice bunch of guys to play against... I'd like every game to be there.

I hit a couple of balls really hard during the game. Unfortunately both were foul, but ultimately I didn't care. Hitting the sweet spot on a wood bat is much more satisfying than hitting it with a metal bat.

We lost the game, by the way, which with my team tends to go without saying. But it was a respectable game. We kept it close throughout. We got guys on base; we just struggled to bring them around. And we only made a couple of errors.

But I'm still thinking about my foul balls. One went into the woods beyond the left field fence. I probably didn't hit it so well that it would've been a home run had it been fair, but a fella can dream. The other was probably the hardest-hit ball I've had in my four-plus years of (occasionally) playing in the league. A line shot down the third-base line that hooked just foul. I ended up one-for-four. My least well-hit ball blooped in for a single and my only hit. Amazing how that happens.

The feeling of that line drive through my hands will carry me for weeks until my next game.

Oh, and it was great meeting Phil, the Ludlow Gold first baseman. He managed to connect me to B&E over the course of the game. (This is a different Phil, by the way, than the one that occasionally comments on the site. At least I think it is.)

And I'm not completely sure about this, but I think Ludlow Gold Phil might just be bald under that cap of his. He also made an effective play to end the game. So welcome to the B&E club, Ludlow Gold Phil!

Anyway, CRVBL commissioners, there's at least one dude on the McNeill's Brewers in favor of a completely wood-bat league.

Now bring on the 'roids, HGH, and greenies! Papa wants to hit one out!

Dickhead of the Week - Migraine Headache

migraine
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Rove gets off. Frist made $5,000,000 on stock investments while being investigated for insider trading. And Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert may have made $3,000,000 off some real estate thanks to a highway bill he pushed through congress. Yes, Dickheads all.

But it's hard to give a shit about any of that when Mr. Migraine Headache plants itself firmly in the middle of my skull. Yes, imagine if you will, a basketball. Let's say that basketball is in the middle of your head (if you think of your head as the earth, the basketball would be its core). Let's say that basketball is being inflated and pressuring its way out of your head from the inside.

Yes, Migraine Headache is a brutal totalitarian Dic(khead)tator. He is all-consuming. He causes lighting shapes in front of your vision. He causes nausea. He wipes you out.

And when Migraine Headache comes into town, you just can't give a fucking shit about anything else.

Even now, with the pain waning, I'm so goddamn exhausted, all I want to do is go to sleep.

Funny stuff today, eh, B&E readers?

Shame On... Representative Berman

berman
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So there was all this financial disclosure by the US Congress today. Our country is run by a group of rich pricks. Shocking.

One of the choicest cuts of financial reporting meat comes out of the House Ethics Committee. They took nearly $1 million in privately-sponsored travel. And Democrats on the committee got a much bigger piece of the travel pie.

Representative Howard Berman, Democrat from California, led the pack, with $245,000 worth of free travel. Where in the fuck is he going? And how in the fuck is he getting there?

Shame on you, Representative Howard Berman. You're setting a bad ethical example. And shame on Gene Green, Democrat of Texas ($198,000 of free travel). And shame on Stephanie Tubbs Jones, Democrat of Ohio ($130,000). And shame on Mike Doyle, Democrat of Pennsylvania ($95,000). Berman, Green, Jones, and Doyle make up the top four House Ethics Committee travelers.

Shame on you. Shame.

[Thanks for sharing the link, HuffPo.]

Mother Dickhead's Lack of Indictment

Obviously I'm among those disappointed that the Mother Dickhead, a.k.a. Turdblossom, a.k.a Karl "Boba" Rove won't be charged with a crime. This crime, anyway.

But the Mets are in first place in mid-June, with the biggest lead in any division in baseball, so it's hard for me not to be a glass-is-half-full kind of guy these days.

And hey, while maybe it should be, it's not illegal to be a Dickhead.

A Very Special Shout-Out

cotton
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I'd like to give props to the missus, who, as of today, has officially survived two years of marriage with me. For the cotton anniversary, she gave me the hankies pictured and embroidered a special message just for me.

The missus won't actually see this here posting for another week, as she's in New Mexico working on the Don Imus ranch for kids with cancer and blood disorders. She has expressly forbidden me to write about her ranch experiences at B&E. Too bad.

Anyway, we celebrated before she left. The missus is a fine and thoughtful gift-giver, by the way. 100%-cotton sweat mops for my head is more than a little appreciated. I also had the opportunity to take my birthday present for its first official spin yesterday. She bought me a bamboo bat for my baseball league up in Vermont, and yesterday I took some batting practice with it. Boy, it's a work of beauty, the bat, and I hit some nice line drives with it. I take it for a real test run on Saturday, as we play the Ludlow Cops.

Actually, I don't know that they're called the Cops, but they are a bunch of cops. And we're playing at a ball field in Ludlow, which is situated among the Green Mountains. It's a great location for baseball, and I hope to use my new bamboo bat to hook one around the foul pole in the short porch in left.

Oh, missus, you are a fine woman. Happy anniversary.

6,000 Copies of Pure Gold, Baby!

mary cheney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may know that Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is a lesbian. If you didn't already know it, John Kerry outted her during a presidential debate in '04, in what was a spectacularly awkward moment. Kerry's delivery of the word "lesbian"? Hilarious.

Anyway, Simon and Schuster paid Mary Cheney a one-million-dollar advance to write a memoir. In the month since it's been published, it has sold a whopping 6,000 copies. If Simon and Schuster was charging $166.67 per copy it would've almost broken even. Except, of course, shipping costs and overhead. Unfortunately, it's being sold for about fifteen bucks at Amazon. Whoops.

But what did they expect? I mean, seriously. Right-wing Cheney fans think Mary's burning in hell for her unholy acts of animalistic hedonism, and left-wing lesbian fans resent her lack of self-respect for campaigning for a bunch of war-mongering gay bashers. In other words, no one wants to buy this book.

So I want to know how many of those 6,000 copies sold were purchased by Dick and Lynne as gifts to friends and family. Maybe they're giving them away as no-bid contract perks to Halliburton!

And About Time, Too

kaz
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

The Mets' Japanese Scapegoat has been traded, leaving an enormous hole in the roster where the boos used to go.

Yes, Kaz Matsui was a bust in godless New York, so the Godful Colorado Rockies picked him up. Not sure that he's Christian enough for them yet, they've sent him to shore up his Jesus skills in AAA Colorado Springs. Fortunately for the Rockies, Colorado Springs is home to right-wing freaks from James Dobson and his Focus on the Family to Ted Haggard and his New Life (Mega) Church. The nearby Promise Keepers will help Kaz become a "man of integrity," because "if you want to truly change the world, change the men."

And don't forget to split your infinitives, an important lesson for a player still using an interpreter.

Good luck and God-speed, young Kaz. BOOOOOO!

Dickhead(s) of the Week - Gay-Bashing Edition

inhofe
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Forty-nine senators voted in favor of the amendment denying marriage rights to gay people. That's 49 Dickheads. A few among them deserve some special mention...

Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma added a visual aid to his argument against gay marriage: a family photo. During his presentation, he pointed out that he and his wife had been married 47 years, and that there's never been homosexual relationship in the "recorded history of our family." Well, the recorded history, sure, but what about the unrecorded history? Just so there's no "conflict of interest," Inhofe doesn't hire any openly gay staffers. At least he's consistently bigoted.

Senator David Vitter went on the record to state that he didn't believe any issue was as important as this one. Yo, Vitter! You're from Louisiana. I think the bulk of your state would agree that continued Katrina recovery might be a little bit more important. Yeah, those refugees in Houston are probably feeling extra-angry this morning knowing that not only can they still not return to their homes, but now the queers are gonna spoil marriage for them.

With the amendment officially dead in the Senate, one would assume that the House wouldn't waste their time on such nonsense, since it really wouldn't mean anything even if they manage to pass it. Alas, we didn't count on former Major League (and Hall of Fame) pitcher, Jim Bunning of Kentucky, and House Majority Leader, John "I'll Be Your Catcher!" Boehner. They've partnered in an unholy backroom alliance to ensure that the measure's seed gets spread across the floor of the House. It titillates! Oh, but it does titillate...

What a bunch of Dickheads. And closeted queers.

That's the Best God Can Do?

jesus baseball
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Since baseball, religion, and politics are my favorite subjects, when the three collide in a media frenzy, well, my heart goes all a'flutter.

I first became aware of this silly little ditty in the venerable New York Times, discussing "faith nights" at ballparks. The article appeared during my blackout last week. Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of putting religion or politics into sports arenas or stadiums, as the mob mentality can get a bit on the fascist side of things. And I was pleased to see that Titivil had a thing or two to say on the subject. So I thought that would be the end of it.

At about the same time, USA Today ran this sucker about how the Colorado Rockies are on some kind of mission from God to have players of a certain "values system" on their roster.

In response, David Zirin of The Nation wrote this guy. Knowing Titivil's interest in baseball, religion, and politics, I shared Zirin's article with him, and we had ourselves a little email snarkfest at the Rockies' expense.

When the USA Today article came out, the Rockies were a game or two above .500. It shows pretty low expectations in one's lord and savior to be performing at such a solid level of mediocrity. Since the article appeared, they've dropped to two games below .500 and dwell in the basement of the National League West. But, following Jesus's example of being argumentative with umpires, manager Clint Hurdle got himself thrown from a game.

As Titivil so rightly said: Worst Christians ever.

666

Let me just briefly add my grrrs, rowrs, and bwoo-ha-haaas to the gazillions currently commenting on today: June 6, 2006, aka 6/6/6, aka the Anti-Christ's Day.

May you avoid the mark of Satan and crappy remakes of Damian movies getting released on this most fortuitous of hellish release dates.

In the words of the Pixies, "If the devil is six, then GOD IS SEVEN! GOD IS SEVEN! GOD IS SEVEN!"

Xady Watch - Week of June 5

appendix
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Xavier "Who?" Nady's stats are exactly the same as last week's, minus one appendix. No, that's not his appendix pictured, but his looked similar, apparently. Who's still batting .267 with 9 home runs.

In his place is Future-Star-of-the-Mets, Lastings Milledge, who has the best baseball name since Buddy Bell. Milledge hit his first Major League home run in last night's losing effort, and was so excited that he spent the next several innings celebrating with the fans in right field. After the game, manager Willie Randolph pointed out that such behavior was not altogether appropriate.

Ah, rookies...

Nady hopes to be back with the team when they face the Orioles this week. The Mets will have some decisions to make about who to keep around. Matsui's spot on the roster sure does look enticing...

Shame On... Senator Biden

biden
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

I was reading a little bit more about the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage because it gets me mad. (It gets me mad, too, because it's distracting me from the real issues of the day, and I'm aware that this is precisely its purpose. Crafty right-wing freaks.)

Anyway, most reasonable members of Congress are against the no-gay-marriage amendment because they understand that adding prejudice to the Constitution is shameful and immoral. You know, all men are created equal and all that.

But then there's Senator Biden's rationale. On Meet the Press, Biden said, and I paraphrase, "Why do we need an amendment? We've already got the Defense of Marriage Act."

Shame on you, Senator Biden. Shame on you for implying that the premise behind the proposed anti-gay amendendment is fine even if it's unnecessary. Shame on you for wading into some kind of moral middle ground. Shame on you for demonstrating once again that Democrats don't actually stand for goodness, acceptance, and forward-thinking, but rather, that Democrats are calculating, cowardly, and hesitant.

Shame On Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware.

Maybe "Shame On" will become another regular feature, here, at B&E. Ultimately, I suppose, it will be up to members of the Democratic Party.

Sensitivity

So our ever-reasonable Commander-in-Chief is commanding prejudice chiefly against gay people, because that's how Republicans win elections. There's a fairly interesting article in the New York Times that discusses how even right-wing queer haters think maybe they're getting played. "Where was this issue right after the election? How can we be focused on war and social security when there are matters of real national importance to deal with? We need to keep the queers from getting married!"

Anyway, the president's wife said she didn't think that gay marriage should be used as a campaign tool, adding that it "requires a great deal of sensitivity just to talk about the issue, a lot of sensitivity."

Um... Talking about the issue only requires sensitivity if you hate queers and don't want to seem like you hate queers. It requires no sensitivity whatsoever for me to say that gays should be able to marry like everyone else.