Mets Scouting Report! Position Players!

Hello again, B&E Readers/Mets fans! The past 36 hours or so have been brutal, I'm sure! The suspense! The anticipation! The questions! "What about the bats?" "What about the gloves?" "What might the lineup look like?" "Tell us, Mr. B&E!" But that last one's not a question!

The powerful offense from last year is back! And only one year older! What could possibly go wrong?

Willie might be mixing up the lineup! Then again, maybe he won't! He reads Judy Blume!

The Marquee Names!
The cornerstones of a franchise, or flashy overpaid anvils weighing down the options of the front office? We lob it in, you hit it out of the park!

Wright & Reyes! I believe the children are our future! Still young! Still exuberant! They're the left side of the infield for the next many years! They like each other a lot! They wear pink! I'm not implying anything!

Carlos & Carlos! Beltran rebounded last year! Continue the good work! But this time, hit over .300! Delgado and his wife had a baby! He named him Carlos! After Beltran!

The Other Starters!
Solid support system good for a few runs, or mediocrity masquerading as "the team to beat"? We share, you care!

Paul LoDuca! Catcher! Gambler! All-Star! Would be the best player on many other teams!

Moises Alou! Left Field! Old! Replaced Clifford Motherfuckin' Floyd! A gamble? Ask LoDuca!

Shawn Green! Right Field! He's a has-been! He's a still-can! He's a Jew!

Jose Valentin! Second Base! Played there all of last year, and I still can't believe it!

The Remainders!
Excellent emergency fill-ins, or rally-killers biding their time on the bench? We don't know, and you don't either!

Lastings Milledge! Great name! Bad attitude! Better attitude this spring! Won his roster spot by playing well and not being a jerk! Could replace Green or Alou in the outfield if one them stinks like my drunken uncle!

Julio Franco! Grandpa! Endy Chavez! Great catch against the Cards! David Newhan! His dad's a sportswriter! Ramon Castro! Perennial backup catcher! Damion Easley! Who dat?

Tomorrow's the day, B&E readers! Mets vs. Cards! Rematch of last year's NLCS! Only less meaningful!

LET'S GO METS!

Putting the Pot in a Pot of Coffee

So I've got this afternoon ritual at work. I go outside and get a cup of coffee. Usually I walk the extra couple of blocks to the good place. Today, I was in a hurry and went to Starbucks.

My coffee tastes like pot. And when I asked my colleague if hers tasted like pot, she admitted that it does. I had one more colleague taste my coffee, and she too agreed that it tastes like pot.

This proves two things: 1) my coffee does indeed taste like pot, and 2) I work with a bunch of stoners.

Mets Scouting Report! Pitching!

Greetings, B&E readers, or "Mets fans," as I like to call you these days!

That's right! Opening Day is nearly here! And I'm sure you've been asking yourself: "How will the Mets fare this year? Where the hell is the official B&E scouting report?"

It's right the hell here, Mets fans!

Only 162 games until post-season!

Pitching!
Experienced Veterans Ready to Lead, or Broken-down Old Farts in Adult Diapers? We report, you decide!

Number-One Starter! Tom "Tommy Gun" Glavine! He felt numbness in his fingertips last season! What will it be this season? A stroke? At 75-years-young he's a cantankerous wannabe hockey player, so watch for the high stick as he ekes his way toward win number 300!

Number-Two Starter! Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez! He claims he's 41! But he's Cuban, so who the fuck knows? Either way, he's got arthritis in this neck! And yet, with that high kick, his hammies are ready for duty!

More pitching!
Youthful Exuberance Ready to Unleash Its Power, or Yellow Rubes Without the Sense of a Goat? We say it, you spray it!

Number-Three Starter! John Maine! Like the state! And sunken battleship! He'll win 25 games and a Cy Young Award! Or maybe he'll suffer from the Sophomore Slump! It's possible he'll be exactly average! That covers everything!

Number-Four Starter! O-As-In-O-My-Lord Perez! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! He's a head case! He's got wicked stuff! Make up your mind! He's a head case with wicked stuff! Keep your eye out for the yips!

Number-Five Starter! Mike "Bats in the" Pelfrey! He's ready for prime time! He needs time to mature! Mature fast, Mikey! You're on! And keep that fastball down in the strike zone!

Even more pitching!
The Most Reliable and Durable Bullpen in Baseball, or Fragile Former Starters With Bruised Egos? We heard it, you repeat it!

Billy Wagner! Lefty power losing power! Aaron Heilman! Elbow tendinitis! Duaner Sanchez! D.L.! Chan Ho Park! Korean! Pedro Feliciano! Sultry vocals! Aaron Sele! Old! Joe Smith! Poor man's Chad Bradford! Guillermo Mota! Suspended 50 games for steroids! Scott Schoeweneweis! Third behind Grudzielanek and Mientkiewicz for hardest last name! Ambiorix Something! Cut me some slack! I remembered Ambiorix!

And Pedro! What about Pedro! We'll get one great game out of him in August! Great clubhouse guy!

Stay tuned for the scouting report on the position players!

LET'S GO METS!

Sami Al-Arian

I first heard about Sami Al-Arian about a month ago in the ever-reliable The Nation, clickable on the right side.

For your sake, I will summarize as briefly as possible:

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft arrested Al-Arian, a computer professor, back in 2003, accusing the Kuwait-born Palestinian of terrorism. Two-and-a-half years (mostly in solitary confinement) and $50 million in prosecution costs later, a Florida jury acquitted Al-Arian on the most serious charges. On the other charges, it was a split-decision: 10-2 in favor of acquittal.

The Department of Justice opted to re-try Al-Arian, even though a 10-2 split in favor of the defendant doesn't usually bode well for prosecutors.

To spare him and his family from another drawn-out trial, Al-Arian chose to accept a plea. Part of the plea stipulated that he would be a part of no further prosecutions and that he wouldn't be called to testify in any more government cases.

The judge gave Al-Arian eleven more months, at the end of which, he would leave the country.

Then he was called to testify against an Islamic think tank, even though it's in direct violation of his plea agreement. When he refused to testify, he was cited for contempt. He faces an additional eighteen months in prison.

On January 22, Al-Arian began a hunger strike. A diabetic, he collapsed on February 14 and was moved to a military prison in North Carolina. He could well die there.

At the urging of his family, Al-Arian shifted from a water-only hunger strike to a liquid-only hunger strike.

The DoJ should live up to their end of the plea agreement and release this man. For more information, go here.

After All, Celebrity Endorsements Are Paid For

So why should political endorsements be any different?

On Monday, Tom Vilsack, the first Democratic presidential candidate dropout, endorsed Hillary Clinton.

On Tuesday, Team Hillary agreed to "absorb" Vilsack's $400,000 in campaign debt.

There's absolutely no connection, you twisted cynics.

Stupid Girl, They Have the Same Amount

My high school psychology book featured a series of photos in which a three- or four-year-old girl attempts to determine which glass of water has more water in it.

The first photo shows two glasses of water - the glasses are the same size and shape, and the water levels are even. She determines that they have the same amount of water. In the first photo, she is correct.

The second photo shows the girl watching one glass's water getting poured into a tall, thin glass.

The third photo shows the girl pointing at this taller, thinner glass because it's got more water in it. She's wrong.

I don't remember what these photographs were teaching us. Children are retarded?

What I do remember is the little girl's face.

I saw that little girl, now an adult, on the subway this morning. You're probably asking yourself how I know, and I have no rational explanation.

But I haven't thought of those photos in years. And I'm convinced that this 25-year-old -or-so woman was that retarded child.

My high school psychology teacher, by the way, eventually got canned for banging his students.

He did not bang me.

Dickhead of the Week - Alberto Gonzales

It's been a while since I've named a Dickhead, but Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales is making up for lost time. Unfortunately, my time is lost, too, and I don't have nearly the time necessary to explain why he's a Dickhead. And anyway, unless you've been living without media for the past couple weeks, you already know.

But if you have truly no idea why Alberto Gonzales is a Dickhead this time, read an online newspaper - The Nation is clickable to your right. So is a little blog called Titivil, actually, and I've been rather enjoying his commentary (with links).

So yes, our Attorney General is a Dickhead. I never thought I'd long for the days of the previous A.G. Remember that guy? He lost an election against a dead guy, for crying out loud.

Scotland Independence - Addendum

I knew I'd get something wrong. According to the missus, May's election is, in fact, just the regular old time-to-vote-for-members-of-Scottish-Parliament election.

If the Scottish Nationalist Party gets a majority, it's as if the Scottish people are saying, "Yes, we want independence." The SNP's will reward the people by fulfilling their primary platform plank, i.e. independence.

And then, I've probably got the rest of the events wrong, too. But like Mel Gibson as William Wallace said, "Scotland will be free."

Of course, he ended up disemboweled.

Robert the Bruce's Skull Will Be Happy

The mystery of Scotland, well, it mystifies. But apparently it's a mystery that will soon be declaring its independence. Details remain murky to this occasional visiting Yank, but when the missus and I paid Scotland a visit last week, the country was all a-buzz with talk of freedom.

Here's a summary of my understanding, which I freely admit could be way the hell off-base, particularly since I simplify things in my own head in order to make sense of events:

For decades, the Scottish Nationalist Party has been on the fringe of mainstream politics. A legitimate party, yes, and one with decent support in Scotland, but not at the level of Labor, Conservative, and Lib-Dem. (I learned this trip, by the way, that the missus' grandfather was a founding member of the SNP. How fucking cool is that?)

Since Scotland got its own Parliament in the late 90s, the SNP has grown, thanks perhaps especially to the disaster of the Iraq War. The SNP was against the war from the beginning, and with Labour policies hosing the Scots, the previously dominant party is losing its influence. Tony Blair is exceptionally unpopular in Scotland these days.

Of course, the Scottish Parliament has a limited scope. They can make decisions about how tax revenue is spent, for example, but they can't raise or lower the taxes on their fellow citizens. Major decisions are still made in the UK Parliament in London.

Scottish Parliament, however, has made one important decision: a referendum to the Scottish people, allowing them to vote for devolution this May. And a solid majority wants to be free.

Countries in the North Sea have some of the highest standards of living in the world - Norway and Iceland, for example. Why not Scotland? After all, Scotland has the oil. But oil companies have been given such a sweet deal by the UK Parliament, Scotland sees very little revenue. Instead, the profits go back to the international conglomerates.

The Labour Party is pouring money into a campaign to convince the Scots that they'll be worse off if they devolve. Most Scots are like, "How can we be worse off? And even if we are, at least we're in control of our own misery for a change."

Meanwhile, former Chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland (currently the world's fifth largest bank) has thrown his support behind devolution and the SNP. Boy, did that get Tony Blair's knickers in a twist.

Once the Scots vote themselves free, apparently they go to the UN for recognition. The feeling is that the UN would have to recognize a free Scotland if that's what the people want.

It just seems so easy for Scotland to declare its independence. Won't the UK government find a way to stop it? They really can't? I mean, I don't think they should deny the Scots their freedom, but I find it hard to believe that there's no safeguard in place to keep this from happening.

And the Queen officially rules Scotland, too, so I'm not sure how the monarchy fits into this. Scotland's free, but they're still a part of the commonwealth? More like Canada and Australia and less like England and Wales?

How long before Wales devolves?

Remember when Tony Blair was first elected prime minister? In the US, Bill Clinton was at the height of his popularity, and Blair seemed like a shining beacon of hope to liberalize the UK after years of Thatcher and Major.

Clinton's legacy is NAFTA, welfare "reform," and a series of blowjobs in the Oval Office.

Blair's legacy could well be a disastrous war in Iraq and the loss of one-quarter of the United Kingdom.

Better Than the Iditarod

The missus' godfather is doing what has to be one of the coolest things on earth right about now. It's called Finnmark 2007. While on its dog-sledding trek across the Lapland of Scandinavia, the team will be focused on studying the early victims of climate change, i.e. the Sami. The human response to the effects of global warming, after all, will become increasingly important to understand.

A secondary purpose will be to record snowflakes for NASA's snowflake database. How badass is that?

Be sure to check out the diary of the ride, which has just begun and continues through April 10. The photo of the Northern Lights is pulled right from the diary, and the missus' godfather is one of the regular bloggers from the expedition. The man is sixty-five. While he's got more hair than me, I would consider him bald. His effectiveness is without question.

19th Century Love - A Short Break in the Action - Live Blog!

We have a commitment now and must leave our apartment. Seeing as we've yet to watch any of the several versions of Pride & Prejudice we've got in our home, I have a feeling this will continue. I'm pretty sure there's a Sense & Sensibility lying around somewhere, too.

19th Century Love - Mansfield Park - Live Blog!

The missus claims that the best love scenes in this one are between the heroine and the scoundrel.

Frances O'Connor as Fanny (which means vagina in British English and butt in American English) and some unrecognizable actor as the scoundrel. Fanny says yes to Scoundrel in this scene. Scoundrel can't believe it! She's saying yes! The sun shines behind their heads as they spin and hug.

Then Fanny has second thoughts. Scoundrel brings her flowers and sings and Fanny rejects him. Frances O'Connor should get more work. Scoundrel freaks out on her because Fanny can't trust that he's left behind his scoundrel ways. Turns out he hasn't.

Fanny walks in on Scoundrel banging some married woman. Well, now, THAT's not very 19th century of them. Scandal ensues.

Turns out that Fanny and her cousin Edmund are supposed to be together. Cousins married back in the 19th century. Edmund confesses his love finally, and she thinks he means in the familial sense. No, Fanny. "Like a hero loves a heroine." "Like a junkie loves his heroin."

OH, EDMUND! And there goes the kiss! WE'VE GOT TONGUE! KISSING COUSINS WITH TONGUE!

19th Century Love - Persuasion - Live Blog!

Amanda Root as Anne and Ciaran Hinds as Frederick Wentworth star in this little Jane Austen ditty.

Ciaran teases poor Amanda. I have no idea what the hell is going on out of context.

It sounds like Ciaran is using someone else's story to demonstrate his love. The missus is now fast-forwarding. Apparently, the real scene needed set-up.

Anne is running after Captain Wentworth, trying to get him to stay to listen to a love song. Wentworth doesn't get what she's telling him and leaves.

We've skipped ahead again.

To a giant horse. And Anne. Some dude is rambling on between our two star-crossed lovers. Oh, the hat's come off. HE'S TOUCHED HER PINKY! IT'S ON! He hasn't forgotten her! She hasn't forgotten him! There's a circus in the background as they kiss! That's right! It's a fucking circus, this Jane Austen love! No circus can stand in the way of their circus love!

And a final moment to enjoy... Wentworth announces he wants to marry Anne. No one understands why. Except, of course, our circus lovers. They understand. It's circus love.

19th Century Love - Jane Eyre - Live Blog!

The missus is on a costume drama love story kick. I told her I would sit through her favorite scenes if she let me blog about it.

And we're off!

Jane Eyre - This British miniseries recently aired on PBS and is available on DVD. Rochester is giving Jane 10 pounds in wages and the subtext is nothing but steamy goodness they cannot act upon. While saying goodbye, Rochester asks her not to go, and he looks at her with a combination of lust and sadness that really touches the missus. The performances are good, and now the missus has announced this isn't the love scene I'm supposed to write about.

Jane Eyre Take Two - This love scene is for real now. Maggie Smith's son plays Rochester. The missus thinks he's hot. In this scene he's sending Jane away from Thornfield because he's supposed to be married. The scene is a two shot. They don't look at each other because men and women didn't do that in the 19th century in Britain. Still, Jane's freaking out a bit, all weepy because Rochester treated her like an equal. Oh, the class obstacles! Must he think that she's got no heart because she's lower class? But Rochester is not heartless. He loves her! Oh, he loves her! Marry him, Jane, you idiot! Believe him! For the love of Christ, believe Rochester, nay, Edward! Oh, sweet Jesus, she does it! She will marry him!

Of course, there are scenes to come that makes it all impossible until it's inevitable. So now I must sit through Jane's return to Thornfield, when Rochester is a blind burn victim, sitting in his ruined house. Cranky bastard.

Rochester does some bitching about his mad dog, Pilot. But there's Jane. Sweet, sweet Jane, delivering water. He can sense something different. As soon as she speaks, he knows. Oh, God, does he know! And he calls her a witch. Wait. Really? A witch. Oh, he doesn't think she's real. He's so vulnerable, this Rochester, Maggie's son.

And finally, another two shot, as she describes the river he can't see. Rochester gets all jealous of some other dude, and Jane plays it up. They play all sorts of games. I'd hate their relationship. Where's the directness? Why toy with each other? Oh, these repressed 19th Century Brits. Blind Rochester finally gets direct: "I want a wife." I think maybe he means Jane. And suddenly, they're making out on the grass and Rochester's grabbed her ass! Seriously! He grabbed her ass!

Then there's a wedding painting being prepared and Jane's bossing everyone around.