Not at All Bald, but Very Effective

This particular business card presentation came up at the job yesterday, after a couple of us got back from a quick tour at a local printer. I love this guy...

My Morning Boehner

Ever since John Boehner was elected House Republican Leader in 2006, I've been having a good adolescent chuckle at his name. A couple of examples from other B&E entries:

John "Crap, I'm Losing My" Boehner
John "Lobbyist-Paid Travel Gives Me A" Boehner

Heh. I'm twelve.

The Perfesser (if that is indeed his name) responded once with his own set of Boehner jokes, which I reproduce in its entirety here:

It's up to Boehner to erect a new standard for the Republicans - a flagpole, if you will. Boehner must stiffen the base's resolve; Boehner cannot have the flaccid support of a bunch of sad sacks. Boehner needs action now without DeLay.

Boehner must penetrate deep inside the dark mysteries of Congress. It's all up to Boehner.

Boehner should be out in the open for everyone to see. Few Americans, in this conservative climate, want to have a Boehner sneaking up on them from behind.

I'm glad to see so many Republicans proud of their Boehner. I hope this Boehner is around for a long time.

Oh, man, it just doesn't get old.

More recently, Boehner came (heh) out strong against the stimulus (heh) package (heh) because it included funding for contraception (heh).

I think Politico might be equally excited (heh) by Boehner's name, because they were responsible for an article about how turned off (heh) Boehner was by Obama's package (heh), which made me giggle back in January.

And Politico is back at it again with an article yesterday called, Boehner Slams Obama.

Seriously, this is getting nuts (heh)!

A colleague at work found this article yesterday before I did. He was like, "Really? Slams? Boehner??" I said something about how Boehner's nickname in the House was "Semi" before he discovered Cialis, an admittedly lazy and predictable joke. My colleague's response:

"If your filibuster lasts more than four hours..."

Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Yes, that's right. This is how I acknowledge the first 100 days of the Obama presidency: dick jokes!

Vegas: A Shill

Those of you that don't have jobs during the traditional workday hours (that would be approximately 9:00 am to 5:00 pm, B&E readers, which is so well known that it was the entire basis for a movie, a song, and now a musical!) should check out Vegas: Based on a True Story at the Tribeca Film Festival.

The film was co-written by a friend of mine, and there are two screenings to go, on Thursday and Friday. I saw Sunday's late show, and I've never seen anything quite so literally dirty. We're talking dirt. Lots of dirt. It's really a sight to behold.

Go behold it. It's also in competition at the Festival, so after you behold it, rate it high.

Things Ain't So Bad at Bailout Ballpark

First of all, I was very relieved to discover that yes, one can walk up to the new, smaller stadium on a beautiful day and get a ticket for that day's game. And we got tickets for only $15 a pop. Granted, it was just a game against the Washington Nationals, which is really more a team in AA ball, so it's a series in the lower pricing tier. But still, I find the day-of walk-up to a stadium very satisfying.

Because we didn't know what to expect from the crowds and all, we got out there a little before 11:00 am for a 1:10 pm game time. The 7 train in Queens used to let out at Shea Stadium-Willets Point. Well, the MTA got a little bit pissed off that some of that Citigroup bailout money didn't trickle its way down to them, so they refused to name the stop after the corporate sponsor. I'm as critical of the MTA as anyone, but they have my full support on this one.


If you haven't yet made your first trip to Bailout Ballpark, I recommend getting there early to see the place with limited crowds.

The Jackie Robinson Rotunda is quite nice, and people line up to have their photos taken with the giant 42. (For you non-baseball fans, that's Jackie Robinson's number, which is now retired in all of Major League Baseball. Oh, and by the way, for you non-Civil Rights fans, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in baseball.) I don't know who these guys are, but they really stood there awkwardly for a while.


There's a giant Mets shop in the rotunda. Alyssa Milano's Touch collection gets a lot of attention from the ladies who've been dragged to the game by their men. The missus resisted the velour Mets sweatpants, nearly snagged a sheen reversible Mets jacket, and instead went for a standard-but-cute orange t-shirt of a non-Alyssa design. She's got good taste, the missus.

Speaking of good taste, the food. Oh, good lord, yes, the food... Our first destination passed the Rotunda was the Taste of New York food court. We immediately shared a pulled pork barbecue sandwich from the Blue Smoke stand.


I also took a couple of pictures of us enjoying the sandwich, but I have an unwritten policy against putting up photos of me and the missus. Oh. I just wrote it. It's now a written policy. It was delicious. The sandwich, not the policy. Swine flu be damned. The missus also got a black & white shake from Shake Shack, and I broke my sugar fast to drink the last third of it. I think perhaps it was made by the loving hand of Jesus Christ himself.

We then made our way to the seats. I'd heard of course that all the seats at Bailout are good seats, and yet for $15 my expectations were pretty low. Still, they weren't bad at all. Except that any fly ball to deep-ish left field floated out of view, we could see the whole field. And even from the upper deck in fair territory out in deep left, I have to say, I didn't feel that far from the action.


OK, so maybe it looks really far in the photo. It's deceptive. I have an old camera.

And in case you don't know which corporate sponsor you should support, the Mets have given you plenty of options!


We still had some time before first pitch, so we decided to explore further and, hey, who knows? If we just happened upon the Taste of New York food court again, maybe, just maybe, we'd get ourselves some Belgian fries. Yes. Delicious.

We also came out to a walkway with this view of the Queens chop shops.


The chop shops were largely hidden from view at Shea, and it's the part of the city that Mayor Bloomberg is really hoping to develop like crazy. What Bailout Ballpark needs is a mall next door! He may even use eminent domain to do it. Hell, I'm sure it'll include some green space, too, but this is Queens, bitches. Junkyards and mechanics keep our economy going, too.

Around halfway through the game, we were ready for another foray into foodville. This time I wandered just beyond the Taste of New York over to the Catch of the Day stand and got us a fried flounder sandwich to split. Good goddamn it was delicious.


This would be my top recommendation for food at Bailout thus far, but having tried only four items in a ballpark full of what seem to be amazing options hardly makes for a well-informed rec.

And there are definitely still some kinks to work out with the service at the Catch of the Day stand. I had exact change in my hand, and yet I stood in front of the cashier, along with my sandwich, for at least five minutes while I waited for a manager to void the mistake the guy at the register made. During that time, I had a chance to watch the manager, who seemed to be fixing mistakes all over the place, which explains why it took her so long to get to my poor bastard. And no one back there seemed to know where they kept any napkins. It was finally another customer who told me that the napkins are at the "toppings stations" throughout the stadium.

It's early in the season yet. Those things are bound to get figured out. Or not. Who the hell knows. It's a good sandwich, though.

Overall, I have to say, it really was an exceptional first visit to Bailout Ballpark.

Oh, shit! I forgot! The Mets won!

Digital Detox - Round 3 to... Hey! It's Bela Fleck!

Rest of the evenings and mornings were totally fine without the TV and internet. Those guys are a bunch of jerks.

But of course it's Saturday, and I'm blogging, so I guess I just ended my Digital Detox, especially since a few minutes ago I tried in vain to find out when the Mets ticket office opens out at New Shea.

So, where was I?

Right, the rest of the Digital Detox. Well, the missus totally bailed on me. I came home late from work one evening to America's Next Top Model on TV. I tell you what: even three seconds of Tyra Banks is no way to break a Digital Detox!

Anyway, we ate dinner with the TV off, but then the missus wanted to see which of those skinny bitties was getting chucked off the show. So I listened to music in the bedroom and read my book.

Right, so my book... I haven't actually read any fiction in quite some time. I've found it difficult to sit down and get absorbed into fiction. It's like my brain can't focus long enough. Or maybe it's just that when I've been trying I've been reading total crap.

So what do I pick up to read? Underworld by Don DeLillo. This thing is like 12,000 pages long. I'm also loving it. It's great getting lost in fiction again. But I'll be reading that for the next seven or eight years. So that's nice.

But yesterday, via The Nation on Facebook (see, the Digital Detox was really just more digital toxicity while at work), I got the missus and me some free tickets to Throw Down Your Heart, a swell little documentary about Bela Fleck's journey tracing the roots of the banjo back to Africa and playing a whole lot of swell music with amazing musicians there.

The best little bit was that Bela (and his brother the documentary director) did a Q&A after, and then Bela played a live tune for us all. I think this Bela Fleck character knows a thing or two about the banjo.

Those little free things in New York can really remind you why it's awesome here.

Digital Detox - Round 2

Worked late last night. Got home to a dinner-with-a-friend already in progress. Friend left, and we went to bed. Easy.

This morning was less confusing than yesterday. I enjoyed a short story written by a friend and two columns in the Nation over my coffee. Then I came to work.

I know I've got media at work, but life is more civilized without TV and internet at home.

Heh, heh. Blogging a digital detox. I'm a jackass.

Digital Detox - Round 1

Blogging about a digital detox is so very meta. My mind is blown.

Evening was a breeze. Got home, made a nice big salad with the missus. We had just enough time to do some dishes and make some funny faces at each other before going to bed.

Morning was confusing. Routine upended. Woke up a half hour later. Had my coffee without NY1 and web-browsing for potential material. Read my trusty Nation magazine instead. Completely lost track of time and had to rush out of the house.

Feeling discombobulated now.

Digital Detox

So Adbusters has declared this to be Digital Detox Week. No media for a week.

I'm doing it. Granted, it's a slightly modified version. I will be fully connected at work, and I'd be kidding myself if I think I won't be browsing news sites and blogs, checking email, etc. Plus, I'm getting a slightly late start, having already watched NY1 this morning.

But once I leave work, that'll be it. No computer, and no TV.

If this ends up being my last post for a week or so, I hope you'll understand. I tend to blog during my non-work hours. And with a media blackout, that will be somewhat difficult to do.

And if I sneak in an entry or two during work hours, I hope my boss will understand. I promise that it's all happening outside the world of my time sheets!

Philly Is Cooler Than It Should Be

The missus and I took a quick jaunt to Philadelphia this weekend. As a Mets fan, I'm supposed to be hard-wired to dislike the City of Brotherly Love.

But it's hard to dislike a place with so much public art - lots of murals and mosaics. One artist, Isaiah Zagar, has made an entire life out of creating public art. His mosaics pepper the neighborhood in which he lives and works. And you just keep coming upon them as you walk around.

We took a little mosaic tour sponsored by Philadelphia's Magic Garden, which is where Zagar has created an entire environment, built over about 15 years. It was a perfectly enjoyable thing to do.

I especially like how democratic his theory of art is. He believes in creating beautiful environments for everyone to enjoy. He often features community members in his mosaics, such as a woman who tells him not to fall off his ladder while working on a mosaic or a plumber he thought should be memorialized.

This was my favorite image from the tour, for obvious reasons. (The Bald Mermaids are or were a dance company of women who decided to shave their heads.)

I've Got a Birthday Coming Up

With all my recent complaints about the name of the new stadium where the Mets play, this comes as a welcome option, you know, in case the missus is looking for birthday presents.

The Mets' New Archbishop

Catholics aren't generally known for their flexible stances on positions. They're remarkably consistent, which is something I both admire and admonish. I agree sometimes (no war and no death penalty), and I disagree sometimes (no choice and no gay marriage). But the positions themselves are longstanding and immovable.

Not so, it seems, with baseball loyalties.

From what I can gather, through some Googling, New York's new Archbishop Timothy Dolan is a giant baseball fan. He's a Cardinals fan by birth, apparently, but for the past seven or eight years that he's been in Milwaukee, he enthusiastically supported the Brewers.

Prior to his appointment, he apparently expressed his intention of rooting for the Yankees. But it was the Mets who got him to their stadium first.

And, naturally, in his first game at Bailout Ballpark, the Mets were playing the Milwaukee Brewers. Way to go, Mets! Challenge his loyalties immediately!

Archbishop Dolan shows flexibility not normally seen in the belief system of the Catholic Church, which tends to turn around more slowly than a super tanker.

I wish this demonstrated a flexibility on other issues, such as the gay marriage debate grinding its way through the New York State Legislature. Come on, state government, let's put it to the floor and get an on-record vote instead of getting thing stuck in back-room dealing.

Anyway, Dolan's already stated in no uncertain terms that gay people aren't people. They are sinners. Sinners don't get rights.

"Back-room dealing"? Maybe that is the best way to get gay marriage passed!

New York Announces... HEY, TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!

So Governor Paterson, annoyed that New York has somehow become less gay than other states, has announced legislation to legalize gay marriage. At the announcement, Paterson was joined by a coalition of New Yorkers who support the measure, including Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who was once a Democrat, became a Republican to run for mayor, became an Independent while in office, and now may run as a Republican again.

He's as fickle as an experimental lesbian at Sarah Lawrence College! (I can say that because I went there. Or maybe I can't because I'm not a lesbian. Any lesbians out there want to confirm whether or not I can make that joke? You wacky lesbians.)

Anyway, during the press conference, Mayor Mike stopped everything to humiliate a reporter who had an electronic device of some sort going off. (I just saw this on NY1, of course.) Mayor Mike said something about this whole thing being way too important for interruptions, and he put the presser on hold for about a minute until the reporter could get it to stop making noise.

Well, it turns out that the reporter is a disability rights advocate everyone at City Hall knows well and, especially since it was actually another reporter who caused the problem, Mayor Mike now looks like a complete prick for bullying a dude in a wheelchair.

The most obnoxious part of the whole thing, however, is that when NY1 played the clip of Governor Paterson making his part of the announcement, Mayor Mike was sending a message on his fucking Blackberry. Too important for interruptions indeed.

Mayor Mike, you hypocritical, bullying douchebag. Shame on you.

Beating a Dead Bank

Last night, the Mets christened the Jackie Robinson Rotunda at their new ballpark. Jackie's widow said a few words, and his daughter threw out the first pitch. The players all wore the number 42 (that's Jackie's league-retired number), and Jose Reyes scored from first base on a wild pitch just to show off his Jackie Robinson wheels. And the Mets won the game. All in all, a fine evening.

Bailout Ballpark, or as the team has insisted on calling it Citi Field, was designed to look like Ebbets Field in Brooklyn, where Jackie Robinson played with the Dodgers. Good call.

But Jackie deserves more than the rotunda. That the whole stadium wasn't named for Jackie Robinson is embarrassing, even more so now that the corporate sponsor is eating bailout funds for breakfast and, whether or not the executives at Shitigroup are willing to admit it, is totally insolvent.

I've complained on numerous occasions about the whole "Citi Field" thing, I know, but when I saw clips this morning, it just got my blood all a'boiling again. Jackie's widow says that Jackie would be humbled to have the glorious rotunda honoring him.

Well, fuck that, Mets. Give Jackie the whole stadium.

I'm just glad that when I finally get to Bailout Ballpark I'll have some Shake Shack around to wash that Shiti taste out of my mouth.

Something Good Has Come of All This (So To Speak!)

So it's tax day, and in response, some right-wing nuts threw a bunch of "tea parties." As I've mentioned before, fortunately these nuts have embraced the term teabagging.

The protests are stupid, but at least now everyone on the planet will know what teabagging is. I mean, once David Gergen gets the reference, surely we've reached some sort of teabagging tipping point.

B&E is very pro-sex education.

On a separate but related note, earlier I scrolled through a few dozen photos of various teabagging events around the country, and I'm sure you'll be surprised to hear that I didn't see a single non-white person among the teabaggers. Boy, we whiteys sure are a privileged bunch of tax-haters.

A Rather Satisfying Thing To Do

I like Fruit of the Looms. I've found Hanes to be of a lesser quality, and although I have a few pairs of high-class undergarmenture for special occasions (ask me about Bjorn Borg!), all I really want is a boxer-brief that offers comfort and support. With maybe a dash of fun color.

It's been a while since I've gone through the old underpants drawer, and some of those guys have gotten a little spiritual on me. Get it? They're holey! HA HA HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So I opted for a complete overhaul.

Fruit of the Looms are surprisingly difficult to find in New York City. The last time I needed to do some Fruit of the Loom replacements, I couldn't find them anywhere, until I broke down and wandered into NYC's only K-Mart, at Astor Place. In general, as you might expect, I try to avoid the big box stores.

But K-Mart has what I need, B&E readers, so I hope you'll forgive me for not supporting an independent underpants seller.

For $30 (and let's assume some exploited Bangladeshi seven-year-old laborers), I got enough Fruit of the Looms to replace my entire underwear drawer. And for the past two mornings, I've looked into that drawer and seen those brand-spanking-new Fruit of the Looms staring up at me, batting their eyelids just begging me to wear them.

It's given me a little too much pleasure. You should do it, too.

Follow Up From a Busy Week

It was another one of those weeks, B&E readers, when I got a tad busy, and many things went through my notice without comment. In most cases, people with more time (and, let's face it, more talent) have made more insightful comments in better prose stylings than I probably would have even if I'd had the time.

So here's a quick roundup of just a few things...

Cuts to the Military Budget
Early in the week, I got all excited because I heard that Obama was making cuts to the military, a logical place to look for extra money to help pay for spending that actually promotes the common good. Turns out, I was believing headlines.

TPM seemed to be the first place to state outright that in no way does a 4% increase in military spending constitute a cut. The Daily Show mocked this thinking, too. As did Rachel Maddow.

And yet, Obama-is-gutting-the-military remains standard coverage, and it's certainly what the pundits and politicians of the right continue to state/lie.

But it's sort of brilliant. The left is now in a position to explain that it's not a cut. "It's an increase! We're stronger AND smarter about defense!"

Instead, it seems to me that the left should be saying, "Hey, if they're gonna accuse us of gutting the military anyway, maybe we should actually cut defense spending." Where the fuck are those voices?

We pay way more on the military than any other country and way more than we ever need to. We're building out-dated bullshit equipment that'll never see the light of day, and good goddamn if that fucking money shouldn't be helping to build a windmill somewhere.

Lefty watchdog cheerleaders
During the years of the Bush administration, I would often rely on lefty advocacy groups to keep me informed of various nefarious dealings in the White House. Many of these groups were understandably thrilled with the election of Barack Obama. But I'm not a big fan of these groups just becoming cheerleaders for the people in power.

It's perhaps unfair to pick on one of these groups, but I'm going to anyway. TrueMajority is an advocacy group with a fairly broad left-ish agenda. They were founded by Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Here's a quote from their website:

The central objective of TrueMajority is to increase America's investment in programs that benefit our children (like schools, health care, HeadStart) by cutting Cold War weapons systems and shifting the savings. That's just 15% of the Pentagon budget but would make $60 billion available every year to meet children's basic needs.

OK, that sounds fine.

But in their latest email blast, they state that, "under President Obama's budget, instead of paying billions in missile defense and useless Cold War weapons, your taxes will buy schools, healthcare and green-collar jobs."

It's just not true. Although there may be a shift away from spending money on useless Cold War weapons, money from those weapons programs are staying in the military. Remember? Obama has proposed a 4% increase in military spending. I guess we're going from useless weapons to useful ones. That doesn't sound so terrific to me. At least the useless ones won't kill anyone.

Look, TrueMajority, it's totally fine if you want to support the Obama budget. He is actually spending a lot more on schools, healthcare, and green-collar jobs. But don't spread misinformation and pretend it's being paid for by a cut military budget. I expect more out of my lefty watchdog groups.

Taxes
Once again, B&E readers, it's tax season! I'm from the left. I don't mind taxes. I don't particularly like owing taxes, but I certainly have no problem with the pay-as-you-go approach to taxes.

Some people hate taxes. And some of those people are complete idiots. You may have heard about "tea party" protests. The Boston Tea Party was about "taxation without representation." So unless every one of these people lives in Washington DC, they're fucking stupid.

Not only that, but they seem to be completely unaware of what, exactly, "teabagging" means. This is not a family blog, so let me explain for readers who may not know. It's very simple. Teabagging is dipping one's balls into someone else's mouth. Get the image?

Now watch this. Rachel Maddow and Ana Marie Cox clearly know the definition of teabagging.

And finally, just to end on a cleaner note... One of my colleagues is a creator of "information visualizations." That's "info-graphics" if you want to insult her intelligence. She will occasionally send around a particularly interesting info-viz, and this week's was tax-related. Fascinating.

I Still Got It, Baby!

I've been at my current job for about two-and-a-half years now. I figured out early on that commuting via the Brooklyn Bridge was a Very Good Thing To Do, even if it took an extra fifteen minutes each way. It's a walk that keeps on giving, B&E readers.

I'm a people-watcher. New York is a great place for the activity. Walking down the streets, I tend to look people in the eye. Very few look back. It's a guarded city that way.

So after two-and-a-half years of walking the Brooklyn Bridge most weekdays, there are dozens of faces I recognize. Most of those people who belong to these faces wouldn't recognize me in a lineup because they walk in their own worlds and block out the world around them. I do it sometimes too, so I get it.

After all this time, then, there are exactly three people I now greet in the mornings. Two I see almost every day. The third I think might be a seasonal walker. Or perhaps she's among the throngs of the laid off, because I haven't seen her in months.

Greetings vary. One gets a smile and a wave. The other gets a simple mouthed "good morning," because why should we bother to actually speak when we're both wearing headphones on a very loud bridge?

A little bit of human and humane interaction adds a warm touch to a cold commute.

Yesterday, Smile & Wave Girl handed me a note. Dude. A note. It's the fifth grade all over again!

It was simple just-wanted-to-introduce-myself fare, but it also said something about hoping she hadn't embarrassed herself. And she included contact information. So it was pretty clear she was fishing - fishing for the bald specimen that is this hunk of effectiveness.

I wrote her from my work email, figuring she'd troll our site and find my bio, which mentions the missus. Even though it was probably safe to be presumptuous, I didn't feel right just saying, "Thanks for the note: I'm married."

She wrote back with an "Oops! Didn't know you were married. Sorry!" She said she'd tried to see if I had a ring during the note hand-off, but I think I was holding my hat in my left hand (the hat is the single most important element in body temperature regulation, B&E readers).

And that's pretty much it. I don't mind telling you, faithful B&E readers, getting a note from a random lady boosts the ego tremendously.

The people with whom I've shared this story admire the cojones on this woman, and I share their admiration. Seriously. Good for her. If I were single, I'd go on at least one date with her because of my deepest respect for her initiative.

The missus, by the way, is being very good about letting me bask in the glory of another woman's fondness. And I'm being appropriately insufferable about it.

Dude! A chick totally hit on me while I was walking by her on the Brooklyn Bridge!

But I'm sorry, ladies. I'm afraid I must inform you that as much as you might like to ride the elevator to the top of B&E Tower, the observatory is the sole property of the missus. You'll just have to enjoy the shiny architectural mastery from a safe distance.

Rowr, B&E readers. Seriously. Rowr...

How Fucking Awesome Is Vermont?

Today, Vermont legalized gay marriage. It's a little hard to believe that the Socialist Republic of Vermont was actually behind Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Iowa (Iowa??) when it comes to equal rights for the LGBT crowd, but there's an important difference between Vermont and those other states.

Vermont's legislative branch made it happen.

In all the other states, it's taken a judge to look at the Constitution and see, why yes, discriminating against someone based on sexual orientation goes against, well, just about everything that the US Constitution stands for. Then the right starts shouting their accusations of "activist" judges, when really the judges are just doing their jobs.

But in Vermont, it's a different story. The state senate and legislature voted in favor of gay marriage. The Republican governor vetoed it. How the hell did Vermont get a Republican governor? Well, he ran against three people on the left who split each others' votes.

To override a veto in Vermont, it takes a two-thirds majority. The Senate overrode that shit soundly, 23-5. In the legislature, it was a squeaker, 100-49 - exactly what was needed and no more.

And now gays can marry in Vermont. No courts, just a equal-minded state government, governor notwithstanding.

Well done, Vermont, you Green Mountain living hippies.

So what the hell is wrong with New York that we're getting out-gayed and out-pinkoed? Next thing we know we'll be getting out-abortioned!

Mets Scouting Report 2009! Hitting!

Oh, yes, B&E readers, there's more! Who are the hitters, the base-stealers, the run producers, the total hacks? I explain everything right here! Enjoy a fish sandwich!

The Core!
New stadium, new glory?

Reyes, Wright, and Carlos-squared all return! Taller fences at Bailout Ballfield! Fewer home runs for Wright, C. Beltran, and C. Delgado! Nice thinking, architects! Silver lining! Giant gap in right-center! More triples for Jose!

The Fillers!
Will they overproduce? Probably not!

Luis "Once Decent" Castillo! They can't give that guy away!

Brian "Squatty" Schneider! His car dealership ad is funny! We're not laughing at that .240 average!

Daniel "Father" Murphy! Natural hitter! Breakout year? Still learning to play left field! Oh, dear!

Ryan "Every Sunday I Go To" Church! No, wait! Gary "DL" Sheffield! Poor, Ryan! Gary's old! Can he still hit? If not, Ryan's ready!

Bench!
Who the hell are these guys??

Alex "Nick and" Cora and Marlon "Harry" Anderson! Get some hits, boys! Nick "Janet" Evans! We'll see you when Sheffield gets hurt! Ramon "Raul-not-Fidel" Castro! Always the backup, never the bride! Jeremy "Learn To" Reed! You're just a young, wee thing! Fernando Tatis! Fernando Tatis?!

Let's play ball! Opening day in Cincy! Santana on the mound!

LET'S GO METS!

Mets Scouting Report 2009! Pitching!

Oh, B&E readers, you wacky baseball fans! An active off-season! A rebuilt bullpen! A New Stadium-That-Must-Not-Be-Named! Screw baseball! It's about the food! What?? Screw baseball?? I don't think so, B&E readers/baseball fans!

Exhibition game #1 is complete at Bailout Ballfield! Mets win 4-3! It doesn't count! What counts? Pitching! That's what counts!

Starters!
Solid Performers or Broken-down Bitches?

The Ace! Johan "Carlos" Santana! He may want to legalize pot, but time already almost stands still when he's got that changeup working! Whooooooaaaaa.

Number 2! Mike "Bats In The" Pelfrey! Came around last year! Hope that spike in innings doesn't result in injury! Prediction! Surprise Cy Young winner! You heard it here first! Now forget I mentioned it!

Number 3! John "Susan Collins Is Senator From" Maine! Please be healthy! Please! Please? Please, oh please, oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease...

Number 4! Oliver "Twist" Perez! Please, suh! Can Oy 'ave sum'moh? 'Ello, Guv! What, ho, what?! Put another shrimp on the barbie! Si! That makes about as much sense as trying to predict a Perez performance on the mound!

Number 5! "He Shall Be Called" Livan Hernandez! He's old! He's experienced! He's out-of-shape! He's crafty! He's Cuban!

Bullpen!
Redemption or the Usual?

New closer! Francisco "Anything but K-Rod" Rodriguez! Can he possibly live up to the hype?? If he doesn't, the boo birds will have a new head to crap on! Yay!

J.J. Putz! Putz! We've got a pitcher called Putz! Putz! PUTZ! You hear me?? PUTZ! Can he throw? Who gives a shit! He's called Putz! PUTZ!

And the rest of the bullpen? Who cares! As long as they're good! And if they're not, there's the food at the new stadium! Shake Shack burgers! Fancy frites! Pulled pork! Fried flounder! Sushi! What? Sushi?? At a baseball field?? Whatever! We've got Putz!

Heh, heh... Putz...

Next up! Position players!

LET'S GO METS!

Git Yer Paws Off Our First Lady, Lady!

It was totally inappropriate the way Queen Elizabeth groped Michelle Obama at Buckingham Palace.

I don't know what sense of entitlement you have, old woman, but that there is our First Lady. She is not to be groped, stroked, embraced, pushed, fondled, cupped, manhandled, or, indeed, queen-handled.

You may recall a little thing we call the Revolutionary War. Perhaps you refer to it as the Colonist Uprising or the New World Rebellion. Because we kicked your red-coated ass right out of our country, you can't just get all grabby with Michelle Obama like that.

You do not rule over our First Lady's ass.

Too Close To Call

So we New Yorkers (really, those New Yorkers) had a special election to fill the House seat vacated by our new Senator, Kristin Gillibrand (or is it Kirsten?).

It's a mostly Republican district, but a lot of New York Republicans aren't exactly Sarah Palin/Rush Limbaugh/right-wing Republicans. Of course, that also means that the Democrats aren't exactly Dennis Kucinich/Michael Moore/left-wing Democrats.

But an unknown Democrat called Scott Murphy has found himself 65 votes ahead of Republican Jim Tedisco, largely because he kept to the mantra, "I support the stimulus package, and my opponent doesn't, or he won't say if he does or doesn't, and isn't that suspicious."

Still, the race is too close to call, with several thousand absentee ballots left to count.

Although the Republican Party seems determined to keep the Minnesota Senate race between Al Franken (who's won) and Norm Coleman (who hasn't) going for "years" (according to Senator Jim Cornyn of Texas, the head of the NRSC, which is the National Republican Senate Committee - I think - and they're bankrolling the court case), and even though this one too will likely end up in court, it should be resolved in weeks, not months or years.

This race, by the way, is also an unofficial test for the leadership of new Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele who, so far, has largely just been making an ass of himself. This is a Republican district, and the Republicans are struggling like hell to win it. Doesn't bode well, Man of Steele.

Just to continue an important conversation...

The fine folks at Gotham have gotten their mitts on the food at Bailout Ballfield, and they've got a report.

That's a fine lookin' burger... and flounder sandwich... and frites... and... sushi? Hell, I'm willing to go with it.