Oh, You're SOOOOOOOO Persecuted

Some of you may have heard that the whole sexual abuse scandal has reared its ugly head again for the Catholic Church. It turns out that the current Pope himself, back when he was just a measly cardinal, mishandled a specific case including one priest who abused more than 200 deaf children.

"Protect the church at all costs." That seems to be the rule that required following. More so, say, than, "Let's protect children."

And now that it's become public just how badly the Pope screwed the pooch in this case, the Vatican is doing just what it's supposed to. They are groveling before their parishioners and begging forgiveness.

In other words, they're attacking the New York Times and just about anyone else who dares to wonder why the current Pope once failed to do the right thing when dealing with an abusive priest.

Today is the holiest day in the Christian calendar: Good Friday. Jesus Christ died on this day. It's a mournful, atoning sort of day.

So it only makes sense that a senior Vatican priest would compare this current persecution to the persecution of the Jews. "[Jews] know from experience what it means to be victims of collective violence and also because of this they are quick to recognize the recurring symptoms," he said in discussing a letter from a Jewish friend, who is appalled at the "violent and concentric attacks" against the Catholic Church.

Now I don't know if this is a real letter from a real Jewish person, but even if we assume that it is... Dude, you can't fucking do that. Just because Clarence Thomas and his wife are Tea Party supporters, that doesn't mean the n-bombs thrown by Tea Baggers at members of Congress are okay.

What I'm really saying is this... The Times is reporting on documented facts (there's a paper trail, for crying out loud) about a seriously bad judgment on the part of the Pope and the Catholic Church. Implying that that is somehow the same thing as killing 6,000,000 Jews is fucking offensive. Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

You've handled almost everything about this badly, Catholic Church. And you seem determined to continue to do so. Well done.

A Day in Bed!

I'm spending most of today in bed, B&E readers, for sicky, not sexy, reasons. I've got those symptoms. I'm really pulling for swine flu, but I suspect it's just a cold. Anyway, I hope to write more again soon. I've been a bit lax on the B&E front. I prostrate myself before you and beg forgiveness. Just be glad I haven't prostated myself before you.

Heh. Heh, heh. Heh heh heh...

I sure hope all of the Jewish B&E readers are having a happy and healthy new year.

Turning the Frown Upside-Down

Oh, Fred Phelps... Your hatred knows no bounds. Well, maybe some bounds. Most of the bounds seem to be gays and Jews.

Yes, I've written about dear Fred before, he of the God Hates Fags movement. Well, recently, Fred and the Westboro Baptist Church (a.k.a. the Phelps Family Singers) have recently been saving some of their vitriol for the Jews as well.

Why the Jews are suddenly in the Phelps' cross-hairs, I don't really know. I suppose I could read about it on their website, but I can say with some confidence that any rationale wouldn't actually make sense. I'm sure it's hateful, stupid, and dangerous, like all of their other spewings.

So this past weekend, the Phelps' came to New York, where we have lots of Jews and lots of gays, sometimes in the same place. One of their protest locations was Congregation Beth Simchat Torah, a synagogue founded by a group of gay Jews in the 70s. I suppose you could call them the gay temple in town, although they're certainly more than just that.

Well, the gay Jews didn't take it lying down [insert offensive gay joke here!]. In fact, they asked for pledges: donate per minute of the Phelps' protest.

Fred and the Phelps Family Singers raised $10,000 for CBST over 50 minutes.

Thanks, Fred! Your protests really bring people together, buddy.

Trouble During the Sabbath

A curious thing happened on the way home from another delicious meal at the missus and my favorite local haunt...

A hefty fellow wearing a yarmulke was seated seemingly comfortably in the middle of a crosswalk on a small residential intersection. It had rained a little, so his ass must've been getting wet.

Nearby, a younger fellow, also in a yarmulke, stood between the man and the random turning vehicle.

Also, a group of about a half dozen concerned women wearing hijabs (and a few children) stood around the man, making casual conversation.

Concerned Woman in Hijab 1: You should get up.

Man on Ass: It's the Sabbath, and I can't make a call, so I guess I'll just hope that a policeman comes along.

Woman in Hijab 2: But you can't just sit here.

The situation was clearly under control, so the missus and I kept walking.

I love New York.

Christmas Is to Blame

They look like us, they speak like us, but Canada’s like a foreign country up there.

I can’t say I understand exactly what he did, but Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper of the Conservative Party has managed to piss off the rest of the opposition political parties so much that three of them have gotten together to form a coalition for, like, the first time ever (including those wacky secessionists), and they were on their way to ousting Harper from office.

So Harper did what all good leaders do, and made it impossible for them to call their no-confidence vote. He got the Governor General, an unelected official — appointed in fact by Queen Elizabeth (they’re so cute up north, honoring the Queen and all) — to give Harper permission to shut down the Parliament until January.

(Apparently, the Canadian left feels about Harper the way the American left feels about Bush, Cheney, or Rove, all rolled into one diabolical figure.)

But I think I know why all this is going on. All told, especially in comparison to just how much landmass they’ve got up there, the population of Canada is quite small.

It’s also Christmas tree season and, as we all know, the Canadians head south to our cities — especially New York and Boston — to make their annual incomes by selling tiny, dead pine trees at an enormous profit to Christians (and some curious secular Jews who celebrate Christmas — a phenomenon I’d never seen before living in New York) preparing for the holiday season.

With the population gone and no one left to hold the government employees accountable, all hell is breaking loose.

We need to hurry up and get through these holidays, so that the Canadians can go back to their country before it’s another country altogether.

Mets - An Off-Season Update

With all the Obama excitement, or "Obitement" as the kids like to call it, you three faithful B&E readers may have thought that I'd forgotten about my beloved, hapless New York Metropolitan Baseball Club. Alas, I have not.

The first no-brainer of the off-season was picking up the option on Carlos Delgado's contract for another year. There was nothing non-brainy about it until about halfway through this past season. Delgado was the Mets fan's go-to scapegoat (eat your heart out, Kaz Matsui) for about a year-and-a-half until June, when Delgado went on an offensive tear unparalleled in the league. At 36, he's still got it.

Otherwise, there's much rebuilding to be done, particularly in terms of the disastrous Mets bullpen. Mets GM Omar Minaya is seeking relief among Major League Baseball's corps of relievers.

So who will it be? Well, that Francisco Rodriguez had a hell of a year, although I suspect he's just got another couple of decent seasons in him before he becomes yet another Kaz Matsui. And K-Rod, the dumbest nickname for a pitcher ever, will be commanding a giant contract over many years.

There are a handful of other terrific options out there, too, but my heart is set on one man in particular...

That man is J.J. Putz, recently of the Seattle Mariners. Really, I just want an excuse to scream, "You Putz!" at ballgames all season long.

Yes, there will be excitement at the new Shea Stadium, which I'm not ready to call CitiField, although Bailout Ballfield or U.S. Treasury Stadium might work. And I see no reason why the Mets shouldn't have a pitcher whose name means penis in Yiddish.

It'll be particularly compelling on Jewish Heritage Night during International Week.

Happy New Year

To my Jewish reader(s) I'd like to wish a very happy 5769. As French singer/lover Serge Gainsbourg might say, "Bon Annee Erotique!"

If you have any leftover brisket, I'd like some.

Jewish Ballplayers. Up Yours, Mel.

Hilary was correct when she said this video combined three of my favorite topics: baseball, Mel Gibson, and Jews. I hope it pleases you, too. Thanks, Hil.

A Whole Lotta Carlos

walk off
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

It's been weeks since I've discussed politics or baseball. So let me address the more important of the two first: baseball.

I took another trip to Shea last night and witnessed what might have been the best game I've ever seen live.

The Mets were being personally pounded by Albert Pujols, who hit three-run and grand slam home runs to put the Cardinals up 7-1. Oh, but Carlos (of the Delgado sort) was not to be outgunned by Albert. He hit a grand slam of his own (his second home run of the game and 400th of his career) to bring the Mets back to within two.

And then, in the 9th, Carlos (of the Beltran variety) hit a two-run walk-off home run to win the goddamn game.

My goodness, but it was a thrill. I think it was my first live walk-off experience. I'm still buzzing this morning.

So with that and the pickup of Shawn Green, and the good news about Tommy Gun Glavine's shoulder, it's almost like I don't mind that I have to look for work some more today.

Almost.

One of Those Great New York Things

daily show
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

A few months ago, it was "The Colbert Report." Yesterday, the missus and I went to "The Daily Show." We requested tickets back in February, and after one failed attempt, we got seats for last night's show.

I love that these things are free. I mean, it was hotter than a monkey's ass yesterday (very hot), and you have to sit outside for hours to guarantee your seats, but it didn't cost anything to go. This is a major plus to living in New York City. It might be one of the most expensive cities in the world, but there's a lot of free shit to do.

But after several hours of sitting on the sidewalk outside the show, we were let into the gorgeously air-conditioned studio. There was a warm-up act, who was a hell of a lot better than the warm-up act we got for Stephen Colbert. Man, that guy blew. But the guy yesterday was surprisingly funny. Most stand-up comedy is decidedly not.

Then Jon came out and took questions prior to taping the show. My personal favorite:

"If President Bush gave you one of his nicknames, what would it be?"

"Kike." Big laugh. Then, "Jersey Jewbag." Slipping into his Dubya impression, "Jersey, 'cause yer from Jersey. And Jewbag... 'cause yer a Jewbag. Heh heh heh heh."

It wasn't the best "Daily Show" ever, but it was fun. Adam Sandler was the guest. Frankly, I was hoping for a politico, but Adam Sandler was alright.

And it was free!