Oh, You're SOOOOOOOO Persecuted

Some of you may have heard that the whole sexual abuse scandal has reared its ugly head again for the Catholic Church. It turns out that the current Pope himself, back when he was just a measly cardinal, mishandled a specific case including one priest who abused more than 200 deaf children.

"Protect the church at all costs." That seems to be the rule that required following. More so, say, than, "Let's protect children."

And now that it's become public just how badly the Pope screwed the pooch in this case, the Vatican is doing just what it's supposed to. They are groveling before their parishioners and begging forgiveness.

In other words, they're attacking the New York Times and just about anyone else who dares to wonder why the current Pope once failed to do the right thing when dealing with an abusive priest.

Today is the holiest day in the Christian calendar: Good Friday. Jesus Christ died on this day. It's a mournful, atoning sort of day.

So it only makes sense that a senior Vatican priest would compare this current persecution to the persecution of the Jews. "[Jews] know from experience what it means to be victims of collective violence and also because of this they are quick to recognize the recurring symptoms," he said in discussing a letter from a Jewish friend, who is appalled at the "violent and concentric attacks" against the Catholic Church.

Now I don't know if this is a real letter from a real Jewish person, but even if we assume that it is... Dude, you can't fucking do that. Just because Clarence Thomas and his wife are Tea Party supporters, that doesn't mean the n-bombs thrown by Tea Baggers at members of Congress are okay.

What I'm really saying is this... The Times is reporting on documented facts (there's a paper trail, for crying out loud) about a seriously bad judgment on the part of the Pope and the Catholic Church. Implying that that is somehow the same thing as killing 6,000,000 Jews is fucking offensive. Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

You've handled almost everything about this badly, Catholic Church. And you seem determined to continue to do so. Well done.

I Heard a Rumor About Health Care Reform

Apparently, Congress passed health care reform last night. Republicans announce the end of freedom and liberty, and Democrats celebrate their self-importance and ability to nearly blow it completely.

Okay, so maybe I'm cynical. Yes, this reform is better than nothing, I suppose. Probably. I can talk myself out of that better-than-nothing argument for a while, but then I come back to the 30+ million people currently without health care who will certainly benefit. That's like all the people in the New York City, Los Angeles, and Chicago metropolitan areas. Gosh, that's a lot of people.

Some disappointment was inevitable, I suppose. After all, I believe that anything short of a single-payer system (i.e. Government-paid-for, Medicare For All, or socialized medicine, depending on your preferred language for it) isn't acceptable. Whatever else this bill does, there is still a profit-making entity between patients and the best care possible. That's some bull... shit.

Greg Sargent raises an excellent point with regard to the bending-over-backwards that the administration did to woo Bart Stupak, the anti-abortion zealot who almost derailed the whole thing. His voting bloc stuck together. The progressive caucus, especially the ones who "demanded" a public option, gave in pretty early, leaving Dennis Kucinich out to try as the lone liberal holdout until a couple days ago. Come on, liberals. Look what you might have accomplished simply by sticking together, a la Stupak.

Anyway, to those on the right crying that this is a government takeover of health care, you either need to pay attention or stop lying. This bill doesn't expand Medicare at all. Hell, it doesn't even offer the citizenry the choice to enter into a public plan.

Without a public plan, the only reaching the government is doing is, perhaps, a reach-around, since our elected officials, even the ones who condemn socialized medicine, have socialized medicine.

From what I can tell, the best news to come out of this is that Rush Limbaugh will be leaving the country. Unless that was a lie too. I'd be shocked - SHOCKED! - if Rush were lying. That's so unlike him.

By Ironic You Mean...

I can't say I'm all that surprised to hear that Governor-for-a-Short-Time Palin used to head across the border to Canada to get her grubby paws on some free health care.

She said in the interview, "I think now, isn't that ironic?"

Um, no. It's not ironic. It's outrageous, perhaps. Hypocritical, obviously. Exploitative, certainly. But nothing about it is ironic.

Jesus Christ.

Re: Governor Mark Sanford

At least now we know why the good governor felt he didn't need any stimulus money.

Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Ah, nuts. I'm telling this joke about 36 hours too late.

Pat and The Scotsman

Pat Robertson has once again done something offensive. I know! I KNOW! Shocking!

In reference to gay marriage, he said that from here it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, and indoor-plumbiphilia.

Equating the LGBTQCI (and any other letters that may or may not encompass what has generally been known as the "gay community") with pedophiles is something I've known was wrong since... oh, I don't know... I was nine? I grew up near the park in Topeka known for gay cruising.

When we moved into our house within walking distance of Gage Park (or Gay Park, as it was sometimes called), members of our church congregation (of which my dad was a leader) warned, "Just make sure you don't let your kids walk around there by themselves."

My dad was quite the progressive among our particular Lutheran community (we were Missouri Synod, if any of you readers out there happen to be "in the know" about Lutheranism), and he had a knack for playing innocent and, dare I say, stupid as a way of being challenging and non-threatening at the same time.

"But if they're gay, won't they be more interested in me than my children?" My dad was also a fairly handsome man, and this was invariably true.

But for some of the Lutherans he knew, this was perhaps the first time they'd been faced with a church leader who said, well, anything about gay people. And his innocent question actually got some closed-minded people thinking about gay people differently.

So now, these fathers were more fearful for themselves than their children when in Gage Park.

Alas, the awareness of my own father (who may not have even known any gay people at that time in his life) has not found its way to Dickhead Robertson.

Now bear with me here, as this might seem like a tangent, and it sort of is...

Pat Robertson has links to Scotland. He once said that Scotland is a dark land where homosexuals are unbelievably strong. So it was surprising about ten years ago when he formed a partnership with the Bank of Scotland. He was expected to get that 700 Club flock of his to support the bank. The Scots, knowing what a Dickhead Pat is, were not pleased, and the deal eventually fell through. But you know, apparently if you're Pat Robertson, money is more important than your morality.

Money, it turns out, isn't Pat's only link to Scotland. And the distaste for Pat doesn't necessarily extend to other conclusions. There seems to be an intrinsic link between homosexuality and pedophilia in Scotland. Or at least that's true in Scotland's leading newspaper, The Scotsman.

My brother-in-law was recently sitting on the jury of one of the most horrific criminal cases I've ever heard about. It was the prosecution of a big child pornography and child sexual abuse/assault ring. The details of the case were so shocking that, for the first time ever, the Scottish court kept psychologists on call for the jurors, should they need immediate counseling.

Due to a previous commitment, my brother-in-law had to be released early from his duty as juror, but the case has now come to a close with guilty verdicts across the board on all counts. The Scotsman had the story. (If you are at all squeamish about child abuse, I wouldn't recommend following that link.)

Within the story was this sentence:

Two of the men – convicted sex offender Neil Strachan and gay rights campaigner James Rennie – were convicted of sex attacks on children.

Come on, The Scotsman. You should know better than that. His gay rights activism is completely separate from his role in sex attacks on children. And to link homosexuality and pedophilia is irresponsible and homophobic. It's also totally irrelevant to the story.

You're making an implication that furthers discriminatory stereotypes about gay people that I've known were stupid since 1982. Shame on you, The Scotsman.

Oh, and fuck you, Pat Robertson, you colossal Dickhead.

Hate It, Hate It, Don't Care... LOVE IT!

So the liberal masses are angry at Barack Obama because he chose a gay-bashing bigot to give the invocation at his inauguration. Meanwhile, the bigoted masses are angry at Rick Warren because he's agreed to do the invocation at the inauguration of an infanticidal queer lover. Everyone in the middle couldn't care less.

Who, then, is happy about this?

Oh! Elizabeth Hasselback!

That's a Lot of Stains

Earlier this week, a retired Cardinal (and I don't mean the St. Louis Cardinals) declared that Madonna (the pop idol, not the Mother of God) is lustful and offensive to God.

That this retired Cardinal said these things during a service memorializing the second anniversary of the death of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet proves once again that violence is OK and sex is not.

Murdering about 3,000 people (or at least making them disappear) is God's Holy Work on Earth, apparently, but performing in conic bustiers and simulating masturbation on stage and you are a stain on humanity.

I mean, really, Cardinal, Madonna gets around, but I'm not sure she's stained all of humanity. A lot of bedsheets, sure, but all of humanity?

What? What'd I say?

Focus on the Screwing of Families

I'd like to offer my special congratulations (topped with a long, gnarly middle finger) to James Dobson and Focus on the Family.

Shortly after spending $500,000 to screw gay families in California (that would be Proposition 8 support), Focus on the Family has announced that they'll lay off more than 200 people, thereby screwing families who presumably supported screwing the gay families. (But you know, not screwing them in the dirty way.)

It's nice that Focus on the Family is focused on screwing all families.

Oh, Dobson, you Dickhead.

What's the Matter With Florida?

I gotta tell ya, folks, there's something strange about Florida. It's already suspect because of the 2000 election, those weird expansion baseball teams that make it to the playoffs, and the curious retirement communities. Plus, you know... it's my birth state.

But in Florida's 16th Congressional District, well, frankly, I'm beginning to think the water isn't potable.

Some of you will remember Republican Mark Foley, who was caught writing inappropriate text messages to his underage pageboys. In 2006, he was replaced by Democrat Tim Mahoney, who promised to bring some good old-fashioned decency back into the office.

Turns out that Tim was pallin' around (sans pants) with a lady staff member during the election in which he promised to bring that good old-fashioned decency back into the office. I guess by "decency" he meant banging chicks instead of harassing underage pageboys.

Tim also shelled out $121,000 (and a job) to keep the woman quiet. And although he has admitted to violating the woman, he says he didn't violate any laws or his oath of office.

And naturally, he considers it to be a "private matter." Good luck with that, Tim.

What is it with these douchebag politicians who can't keep their Jolly Ranchers in their wrappers?

If you enjoy sordid political affairs, you can read more about it here.

Good Message; Too Bad About the Messenger

At my job, we do work with nonprofits. So we keep our eye on things related to nonprofit awareness, fundraising, advocacy, etc. So someone came across the pictured ad for Dutch Cordaid: People in Need.

Pretty effective, no? Instead of buying that extra pair of sunglasses you want but don't need, why not donate much less to help feed a hungry person? It's a good campaign, and it works. There are also versions that feature beer, a handbag, and aftershave.

The campaign was created by Saatchi & Saatchi, and they won a prestigious advertising award for it. Well done.

It is perhaps unfair to pick on Saatchi because, after all, they do a fair amount of work for good causes at, what I hope is, bargain basement rates or no fees.

But please, Saatchi & Saatchi. You sell shit to us we don't need. It's a little tough to take this message from you. I'm sure Cordaid is pleased with the work. But it's seriously hypocritical.

And I'm assuming that the ads don't feature products from your other clients. Because that would be bad business, not to mention a real dick move.

Saatchi & Saatchi: Making you feel bad for the desire we create.

Client 9

As the whole world knows now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer got himself caught shipping a hooker from New York to DC last month. Whoops.

The much-heralded former Attorney General was elected about a year ago with a mandate to "clean up Albany." Unfortunately, Eliot interpreted "cleaning up Albany" as "fucking whores."

Eliot is a member of the Democratic Party (and endorser of Hillary Clinton--irrelevant point!) and, as I'm sure you can imagine, I usually find this to be a lot funnier when an anti-gay Republican gets caught having a tryst with a go-go boy.

But you know, this is pretty good stuff, too. I mean, Eliot was absolutely disgusted when he broke up a prostitute ring as A.G. a few years ago. So yes, dear B&E readers, Democrats can have their tawdry tales come to light, too. And when they do, they give us gems like this:

I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family and violates my, or any, sense of right and wrong.

What's he talking about? I don't get it. He didn't violate his family or a sense of right and wrong. It sounds to me like he violated a whore.

I sure wouldn't hold it against Mrs. Spitzer if she decided to John-McCain the New York Governor, who will now be referred to only as Client 9.

Hey, God! It's Me! Jerry!

I can't think of anyone God would be less happy to see than Jerry Falwell.

The Passion For The Blood

On my way to work the other day, I passed a bus that was still promoting the Christmas-appropriate movie, The Nativity Story. Naturally, this got me thinking about Christians.

Through letter-writing campaigns, right-wing media mouthpieces, and the like, Christians put a lot of pressure on liberal Hollywood to make more entertainments that are "family friendly" and "pro-Christian." One would think that The Nativity Story really fits the bill. It's a faithful presentation of the birth of Jesus. For those of you who may not know, it is Jesus Christ (or more simply, The Christ) that gives Christianity its name.

According to my extensive research (at boxofficemojo.com), The Nativity Story brought in a whopping $45,629,831. With its production budget of $35,000,000, one has to assume that New Line was hoping it would perform better than that.

Then there's Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. With its production budget of $30,000,000, it brought in a walloping $611,899,420. One has to assume that Newmarket was pleased enough to hand out some healthy bonuses at the end of 2004.

Families with children of all ages could enjoy The Nativity Story with its family-friendly PG rating. The Passion Of The Christ was handed an adults-oriented R rating.

The two movies portray two of the three most significant events of Christianity - Jesus' birth and death. Christians still need to wait for a new movie to show the resurrection of Jesus.

So what gives, Christians? Why so keen on the death of Jesus, and not so much on the birth?

Could it be the blood lust of the right-wing?

Naaaaah... Couldn't be.

No Longer Gay!

He may have been busted doing meth and getting massages from gay prostitutes, but after a stint in gay rehab (gayhab?), Ted Haggart is no longer gay.

No longer will Ted Haggart fantasize about freebasing crank out of broken light bulbs while getting rubdowns from nubile men.

No more will Ted Haggart think about meth-fueled men while having sex with his wife.

Never again will Ted Haggart be aroused at the thought of a sweaty, speed-induced tryst with a firm-buttocked hunk of the male persuasion.

That's right. Ted Haggart is a straight man. He's only interested in his wife.

And vast quantities of crystal meth.

The Joke's On Us

Mega-church pastor Ted Haggard has allegedly been paying a man to have sex with him monthly for almost three years. During the trysts, he's also apparently been snorting crank to heighten the experience.

So, you see, when "I Like My Men In A" Teddy Haggard preaches hate toward the queers, he's really just being satirical, exposing the hypocrisy and bigotry in others. Like Borat.

Abbreviated

The Mets win, and as exciting as it is that they've bounced back to force a game 7, I'm having a hard time handling the stress. I've become a heroin addict.

The New York Times ran an article yesterday I really wanted to comment upon. It was about how Dick Cheney feels the love when he travels to the midwest. The six-year-old who was obsessed with Dick Cheney ("I just like him! I really do!") was, naturally, from my hometown of Topeka, Kansas. There's a Lesson from Kansas there somewhere, but I don't have the time to figure it out. Seems like a scary fucking lesson, though.

Potential recent Dickheads might have included Mark "I'm gay! No, I'm a drunk! Wait, I was abused!" Foley; Bob "I Need the Salary to Pay My Legal Bills and Refuse to Resign" Ney; the Fox baseball commentator tag team of Thom Brennaman and Steve Lyons, who spent a minute making fun of a blind man sitting in the stands (Steve has also gotten canned for implying that Lou Piniella stole his wallet because he speaks Spanish, a racial slur I'm not even sure I get); Representative John Sweeney of New York, who may have gotten some travel paid for by Jack Abramoff (good luck with your re-election campaign, buddy); and Bill O'Reilly, who has apparently become addicted to his crazy pills, most recently claiming that a mother's life is never in danger due to complications during pregnancy. Dickheads all.

Dude, I gotta get ready for work!

Meat & Potatoes

meat and potatoes
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Meat is good. Potatoes are good. But if they're all you eat, they'll kill you.

Rick Santorum might want to keep this in mind as he runs for re-election to the Senate. In an article in the The New York Times, Tricky Rick is quoted twice comparing himself to meat & potatoes.

What does Tricky Rick consider his meat & potatoes these days? The softer side of his bigotry. On the campaign trail he's handing out a flyer called "50 Things You May Not Know About Rick Santorum." Number 2 is his support for colon cancer screenings, and Number 4 highlights his work with Bono to eliminate world poverty. I rooted around for a few more of the fifty things, but Rick's own campaign website doesn't include the complete list. So unless we get the flyer itself, we may never know those 50 Things.

But, come on, Tricky Rick. Do these 50 Things really add up to be your meat & potatoes? They're more like the bovine growth hormone in your beef. The genetic modification of your potatoes. Maybe -- just maybe -- those two little carrots offering some vitamin A on top of your meat & potatoes.

Sorry, Tricky Rick. Your meat is the money -- heading up K Street lobbying efforts and getting into bed with the corporate interests -- and your potatoes are the hates -- hating the queers, hating the immigrants, hating the women's rights, hating the liberal media.

Your meat & potatoes will kill you come election time, Senator Santorum, as they certainly should. Even if your opponent is the worst kind of feckless Democrat. But that's a posting for another time.

Worst Christians Ever

commandments
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Right-wingers love to put up the Ten Commandments anywhere that's public. I sometimes wonder how many of them have them up in their homes. Is that something you can get a warrant to find out?

Well, I'll grab any chance to highlight hypocrisy in these terrible Christians, and here are two lovely demonstrations:

On The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert was doing his regular feature, "Better Know a District," interviewing Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia's 8th District. Lynn co-sponsored a bill to put the Ten Commandments up in the House of Representatives. The two videos about Georgia's 8th show Colbert nailing the hypocrite. It's a good time.

For a Commandment-by-Commandment approach demonstrating the terribleness of these right-wing Christians, the ever-reliable Nation magazine shows how Supreme Christian Leader George W. Bush and his Christian Cohorts of the Right have broken every single one of the ten, while piously pronouncing and touting their acceptance of Jesus as their Personal Savior.

I'm doing a better job living by the rule of the Ten Commandments, and I'm a godless heathen, for crying out loud. Get with it, Christians. You're making Jesus cry.

Shame On... Representative Berman

berman
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

So there was all this financial disclosure by the US Congress today. Our country is run by a group of rich pricks. Shocking.

One of the choicest cuts of financial reporting meat comes out of the House Ethics Committee. They took nearly $1 million in privately-sponsored travel. And Democrats on the committee got a much bigger piece of the travel pie.

Representative Howard Berman, Democrat from California, led the pack, with $245,000 worth of free travel. Where in the fuck is he going? And how in the fuck is he getting there?

Shame on you, Representative Howard Berman. You're setting a bad ethical example. And shame on Gene Green, Democrat of Texas ($198,000 of free travel). And shame on Stephanie Tubbs Jones, Democrat of Ohio ($130,000). And shame on Mike Doyle, Democrat of Pennsylvania ($95,000). Berman, Green, Jones, and Doyle make up the top four House Ethics Committee travelers.

Shame on you. Shame.

[Thanks for sharing the link, HuffPo.]

6,000 Copies of Pure Gold, Baby!

mary cheney
Originally uploaded by dangunderman.

Some of you may know that Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is a lesbian. If you didn't already know it, John Kerry outted her during a presidential debate in '04, in what was a spectacularly awkward moment. Kerry's delivery of the word "lesbian"? Hilarious.

Anyway, Simon and Schuster paid Mary Cheney a one-million-dollar advance to write a memoir. In the month since it's been published, it has sold a whopping 6,000 copies. If Simon and Schuster was charging $166.67 per copy it would've almost broken even. Except, of course, shipping costs and overhead. Unfortunately, it's being sold for about fifteen bucks at Amazon. Whoops.

But what did they expect? I mean, seriously. Right-wing Cheney fans think Mary's burning in hell for her unholy acts of animalistic hedonism, and left-wing lesbian fans resent her lack of self-respect for campaigning for a bunch of war-mongering gay bashers. In other words, no one wants to buy this book.

So I want to know how many of those 6,000 copies sold were purchased by Dick and Lynne as gifts to friends and family. Maybe they're giving them away as no-bid contract perks to Halliburton!