Dude. Watch Your Choice of Words.

Tiger Woods is back and he gave a press conference and blah blah blah blah.

I have to admit that one little soundbite caught my attention. Referring to the support he's gotten from his fellow golfers at the Master's, he said, "The encouragement I got, it blew me away."

Even more so than the oral sex he received from his many mistresses! Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Thank you, B&E readers. I'll be here all week.

By Ironic You Mean...

I can't say I'm all that surprised to hear that Governor-for-a-Short-Time Palin used to head across the border to Canada to get her grubby paws on some free health care.

She said in the interview, "I think now, isn't that ironic?"

Um, no. It's not ironic. It's outrageous, perhaps. Hypocritical, obviously. Exploitative, certainly. But nothing about it is ironic.

Jesus Christ.

Let's Not Overstate the Case

Like most Americans, particularly the non-communist ones, I watched the Super Bowl last night.

I've fallen out of love with football (of the American sort) in recent years. Mostly, I just don't want to spend that much time watching sports. And as my six readers well know, I'm a baseball man.

Still, I have to admit that it was a damn fine game. I wasn't terribly invested in the outcome but had a slight leaning toward the Saints, so that felt satisfying.

And oh, the trickery! The Saints led off the second half with an onside kick, which was exciting and unexpected and momentum-shifting. A great play call.

One announcer described it as "courageous." A headline I saw this morning called it "valiant."

Okay, look... I'm all for adding juice to headlines to suck in a reader, but really? Courageous? Valiant? I can get behind bold, gutsy, even ballsy, but I'm not sure that it takes courage to call for an unexpected onside kick. I could get behind imaginative, creative, or exhilarating. But no, that play call was not valiant.

Anyway, somehow I missed the Tim Tebow ad. I don't know when it aired, but I plum missed it. And no, it doesn't take courage for Tim to be publicly pro-life (thanks again, David Zirin).

Back in September, Zirin wrote about homophobia in the NFL. Kudos, David, for using the word gutsy to describe a couple of players' stance in favor of gay marriage, rather than courageous or valiant.

Putting the Dick in Dicktionary

Pretty much everyone has, at one time or another, enjoyed the pastime of looking up dirty words in the dictionary.

One of my favorite discoveries in the 2nd grade (word was getting around the whole school, I'm pretty sure) was that the definition for fart in the library's dictionary read, "An explosion between the legs." Even at age seven, this sounded like an outlandish and ridiculous definition for fart. I wasn't literate enough in those days to know what the definition would be, but that just didn't seem right to me.

So like any good student, I looked it up. Sure enough, under fart: "An explosion between the legs." It was simultaneously hilarious and worrying, because even though it was in a book, it just didn't seem right.

Here it is thirty years later, and when I look up fart in my American Heritage Dictionary, the definition reads as follows:

fart (färt) Vulgar Slang intr.v. fart•ed, fart•ing, farts To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind. • n. 1. An often audible discharge of intestinal gas. 2. An annoying or fooling person.

There's still plenty in there to cause giggling, and it seems like a pretty accurate definition of fart.

So yes, I suppose I still enjoy looking up irreverent (maybe even dirty) words in the dictionary. It has a long history. When Samuel Johnson wrote the first dictionary and asked for royal patronage, he discovered that silly Prince George was only interested in looking up the rude words. (Black Adder is historically accurate, right?)

Still, some parents would rather that children look up nothing, rather than have the option to look up dirty words. A California school district has removed the Merriam-Webster dictionary from public school classrooms because one child looked up oral sex. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary has the definition as, "Oral stimulation of the genitals." My American Heritage Dictionary reads, "Sexual activity involving oral stimulation of one's partner's sex organs."

Those seem like perfectly good, accurate, to-the-point, if somewhat clinical, definitions of oral sex to me. But I guess accuracy doesn't necessarily keep something from being banned.

I am rather fond of one particular quote from the article linked above. A spokeswoman for the school district says, "It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature."

That is a job for which I'm truly qualified. Indeed, I'm probably over-qualified.

In researching this posting, I read definitions for fart and oral sex (of course), and also fellatio, and cunnilingus, just because. While in the C's, I was thrilled to find that my dictionary also has crack baby as an entry.

Gosh, dictionaries are fun.

Accents Have to Make Sense

I have a love/hate relationship with the TV show 24. I keep giving it another chance, and it keeps letting me down. But hey, this season's in New York! So I've gotta see what that's all about.

But let me just say a word or two about accents as a dramatic choice.

I'm sure most of you have seen Schindler's List. The Nazis speak English with a German accent; the Poles speak English with a Polish accent. I remember when the movie came out, it took me some time getting used to that. I couldn't help but wonder why all of these people were speaking English with accents. But look, I get it: I mean, Spielberg wanted to get asses in seats too. So it's not like he was going to have all of the actors speaking German or Polish. He was already asking a lot of us by making us sit through a black and white movie.

Anyway, after a while, I slipped into the overall atmosphere of the film, and the accents were all a part of it. I got over my initial hangup and went with it.

In other movies or TV shows, there are characters for whom English isn't a first language. Let's take the current season of 24, a whole two episodes in. The president of an unnamed Islamic republic speaks to the US president in his accented English. But then when the foreign president speaks to his chief of staff, in this case his brother, they still speak English. I would think it might be a lot easier and, dare I say, more realistic if they spoke in their native tongue to each other.

But okay, it's TV. And let's face it: the typical viewer of 24 is lazy and meatheaded. So I get why they have the characters speak in accented English to each other. Fine. I can go with that too.

Then there are times that accents are used dramatically and it flies in the face of any sort of logic. This use of accents by writers or producers or directors or whomever makes this choice is stupid and dishonest.

Remember Die Hard? I think Die Hard is a total blast. Alan Rickman's performance of Hans Gruber as the German baddie is just terrific. Alan speaks the entire movie in a German accent. Except for one pivotal scene in which he comes face to face with Bruce Willis's John McClane. Pretending to be someone else, Hans Gruber puts on a perfect American accent. If this guy can speak English without an accent, why on earth does he have a German accent normally? It doesn't make sense, and it's a ridiculous flaw in an otherwise totally great movie.

They pulled that shit again in the first two episodes of 24. There's a bad guy speaking with a Russian accent throughout most of the first couple of hours. Then he meets up with a friend in Queens. (Queens!) And suddenly he's speaking in an American accent (with a hint of Queens even). But when he reveals himself to his "friends" as the baddie he really is, he goes back to the Russian accent. If he can speak perfectly fine English, why the fuck wouldn't he always speak perfectly fine English? It doesn't make any fucking sense! And it's stupid.

Dear Hollywood Accents Committee,
Stop being stupid.
Love,
Dan

If I Can Read It, Why Can't I Hear It?

I've got the venerable NY1 on again this morning, and one of the segments was sponsored by Puppetry of the Penis. The screen was yellow with giant black letters spelling out the name of the show, and as the announcer said the name of the show, penis was bleeped out.

Do they not want blind people to know the name of the show?

Yes, of course I realize that it's because small children can't read, and that if they don't hear the word, maybe they won't be aware of the word.

But since when is penis a bad word? It's actually the technical term for one's cock.

Hey, I've Missed That Guy

Like most people on the left-leaning side of the world, I've got mixed reviews of the still relatively new president thus far. Many things I like; many things I wish he'd do differently.

One of the things I wish he'd do differently is go back to that powerful speechifying of the campaign. It'd be nice to have a president that inspires, not just a presidential candidate.

Well, I'm a few days late on this, but he gave me a taste of that action last Thursday in a speech to the NAACP, in which he honored their 100th anniversary.

Watch it. And watch it to the end. It's a tone he hasn't struck in a while, and it's a tone I'd love to hear him strike on the health care debate. And anything else really.

Pretty speeches matter; words matter; inspirational communication matters. Yes, back it up with action, but you're the president... Inspire us; move us; kick some ass.

Whew. I'm Now Combobulated.

My radio silence over the past few days can be explained by two simple words: Family Reunion! Wisconsin never had a chance...

Unfortunately, my camera died while the missus and I were in Scotland (I used my mother-in-law's camera for most of the trip), so I don't have documentation of any of the activities. But really there was only one moment in which I really regretted not having the sucker...

At the airport in Milwaukee, the missus and I went through security, and when we made it through, we noticed a sign: Recombobulation Area. It was not handwritten. It was a metal sign like all of the other signs around the airport. Someone designed, approved, and ordered this sign.

Discombobulated doesn't actually mean "not combobulated." Like uncouth, it is simply a word that sounds negative but isn't.

No doubt, you can become discombobulated going through security - removing of belts and shoes, getting felt up by security... These things can be discombobulating. No doubt.

But once discombobulated, I'm afraid you can't just become recombobulated so that you're back to being in the normal state of combobulation.

On the other hand, I really like the word recombobulated. So I sort of hope it catches on.

Well done, you combobulated Wisconsinites with your recombobulation signs to discombobulate travelers.

Some Might Call It "Working"

On the occasions that I've found myself seeking employment, my college-educated, bourgeois* self gravitates to white-collar jobs that require writing in some form. Copywriting is close enough for my job needs, and I almost always settle for that.

In their job listings, these positions usually call for a willingness to work under deadlines, the ability to multitask, and all of those other qualifiers included in most job descriptions.

So yeah, I'm fairly used to multitasking.

In the past day or so, TPM has drawn some attention to what may be the newest attack (from the right) on President Barack Obama: He's doing too much at once!

Well, hell, people. It's called a job. He's the "leader of the free world." I'm assuming that there are a lot of daily tasks - short and long-term ones - that make up a typical day. I would hope that he can do some of them. Maybe even a lot of them. I mean, if multitasking is part of my job description, it sure as shit is part of the President's.

How little were we expecting from President Bush that the complaint about Obama is that he's trying too hard?



[* I just want to give some props to the Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus, which includes this fine "word note" from Zadie Smith (and is also featured on the back cover jacket, where I read it first) with regard to bourgeois:

When using this word it is essential to remember that it is completely bourgeois to say of something or someone "How bourgeois." If you do not mind this inference, then the word is at your disposal.

Thank you, Zadie Smith. I do not mind the inference. Not one bit.]

Literally

So Barack Obama announced his running mate Joe "Bubba" Biden (Obama said that's what people called him as a kid, so I assume it's an accepted nickname).

Biden gave a speech, which wasn't bad at all, but I particularly noticed that he used the word literally a lot. Things are literally worse than they were eight years ago. The American Dream is literally falling off a cliff. Those may not be actual quotes from Bubba, but he definitely overused literally during his speech.

Well, literally has made its first noticeable appearance in the Obama fundraising emails, the latest of which features this line:

But make no mistake about what we're up against. John McCain has embraced the same old politics of fear, division, and Karl Rove-style attacks -- which makes sense coming from someone who's voted with George Bush literally 95% of the time.

Is it literal, though? I mean, George Bush doesn't even have a vote in the Senate. But I guess I know what they mean.

I'm going to be keeping my eye on this use of literally, in literally everything I hear and read from the Obama campaign over the next ten weeks.

There Is No Streak

New York's abuzz with Mets/Yankees games. In their previous meeting this season, the Mets took two from the Yanks at Yankee Stadium and had one rain-out. The rain-out was made up yesterday afternoon, and with the drubbing of nine RBI from aging slugger and occasional fan scapegoat Carlos Delgado, the Mets swept the Yankees at Yankee Stadium for the first time ever. Good times.

Naturally, I attended the night game at Shea, where the Yankees returned the favor and clobbered the Mets 9-0. Ouch.

So whatever mojo I may have had as a fan influencing Mets victories at Shea... Yeah, that's gone.

A side note, relating to Gay Pride Week. Trash-talking is a popular pastime between Yankees and Mets fans, often all in good fun, although as last night's blowout continued, we saw more and more security guards running around to break up fights and kick people out.

So what does this have to do with Gay Pride Week? Well, gay slurs are a frequent trash-talking approach taken by the less imaginative fan. So when, for example, a Yankees fan suggested loudly that Pedro Martinez get his ass off the mound and become a bullpen coach instead (perhaps a decent idea, actually), the inebriated Mets numbnut sitting nearby taunted, in return, "Only when Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez start going out, fucking faggots!"

It didn't really make sense as a reply to the Yankees fan's comment. But "fucking faggot" is really a classic. I mean, it works on so many levels. "Fucking faggot" is to sports taunting what a banana peel, pie in the face, or groin kick is to slapstick. You just don't fix what's not broken. You don't reinvent the wheel of trash-talk.

Oh, did I say "classic"? I meant "classless." When you take the discourse as low as "fucking faggot," you really present yourself as a douchebag, dickhead, cock-knocker, fartmunch, and pigfucker.

In defense of the homophobic Mets fan, he had also bragged loudly that over the course of the doubleheader, he'd downed no less than seventeen beers. The beer man suggested he not tell the beer man that. And the beer man served him number eighteen anyway.

Shea Stadium: All class.

Dude, You Went to Yale

Some of you may remember the Democratic presidential candidate in 2004, a man by the name of John Kerry. His campaign was forgetful, so if that doesn't ring any bells, just hang in there. The rest of this posting will make sense anyway.

I'm still on John Kerry's email list. His emails tend to be as long-winded and dull as his speeches, appearances, debates, etc. during the 2004 contest. So I usually read the first sentence just to see if I really need to read the rest. Oftentimes, I don't.

Yesterday's email was a minor exception. I read the first two paragraphs. He was discussing the Barack Obama-Hillary Clinton rally in New Hampshire yesterday. He wrote this:

The unity of our Party is on hand for all to see today - in - ironically -- Unity, New Hampshire.

Really, John Kerry? Ironically? I think you mean quite the opposite of ironic. Appropriately, perhaps. Heavy-handedly, probably. But not ironic.

His use of hyphens in this sentence is also confusing.

John Kerry got the best education money can buy. But I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that the concept of irony is lost on him. You can't go through the rituals of Skull and Bones with any sense of irony. If you stripped and howled and fucked a goat with a sense of irony, you might realize how silly your secret society is.

On a separate but related matter, I'm convinced that if John Kerry had managed to win the 2004 election, John McCain would be elected in 2008.