Dude. Watch Your Choice of Words.

Tiger Woods is back and he gave a press conference and blah blah blah blah.

I have to admit that one little soundbite caught my attention. Referring to the support he's gotten from his fellow golfers at the Master's, he said, "The encouragement I got, it blew me away."

Even more so than the oral sex he received from his many mistresses! Zang! Zzp-POW! Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Thank you, B&E readers. I'll be here all week.

Something Good Has Come of All This (So To Speak!)

So it's tax day, and in response, some right-wing nuts threw a bunch of "tea parties." As I've mentioned before, fortunately these nuts have embraced the term teabagging.

The protests are stupid, but at least now everyone on the planet will know what teabagging is. I mean, once David Gergen gets the reference, surely we've reached some sort of teabagging tipping point.

B&E is very pro-sex education.

On a separate but related note, earlier I scrolled through a few dozen photos of various teabagging events around the country, and I'm sure you'll be surprised to hear that I didn't see a single non-white person among the teabaggers. Boy, we whiteys sure are a privileged bunch of tax-haters.

A Problem, a Solution, and a Problem

The Body Shop, a legendary (thanks to Motley Crue!) strip club in West Hollywood, had a major fire, putting it out of commission.

I have an irrational fear of fire the way that, say, some do of spiders or snakes. So I can only imagine that the strippers are hesitating to go back to work.

Well, thanks to the ever-resourceful British, they may not have to. That's right, B&E readers! Pole-dancing robots!

Of course, in today's economy, we've got something to fear more than fire itself: unemployment. And the last thing we need is for the entire service industry to be replaced by robots.

Strippers are part of the service industry, right?

Oh, It Stimulates the Package

It seems that many Americans, feeling the pinch of rising gas prices and drowning in their own debt, are using their economic stimulus package money for regular expenses. See, what we were supposed to do is go buy some shit. It's the American way. But we're not buying anything.

There's been one exception: porn. Summer is typically the slow time for porn membership websites, and yet since the stimulus checks went out, their sales have been, uh, tumescent.

Ah, the Republican Party, the party of family values--nay, the party of Jesse Helms! The Grand Old Party's bringing us some Grand Old Porn. Well done, Pubes!