It's More Like This, Actually

In general, I try to avoid hearing the smug, bitchy voice of Sarah Palin, which doesn't lose any of its shrill in print. (As a quick aside, I also sort of hate using those types of words to describe the voice of a woman in politics since they scream of sexism. But in this case, I just can't think of other words. Her voice hurts my head. Like when Bjork sings.)

You probably heard that President Obama signed a nuclear arms reduction treaty with our Cold War nemesis Russia. And a few days ago, he also changed the U.S. rules of engagement with regard to nuclear warheads.

People on the right say that these things make us weaker. People on the left say that Obama hasn't gone far enough. I tend to agree (surprise, surprise) with the people on the left, but I also get the feeling that nuclear disarmament, more than any other issue Obama has spoken about/acted upon, is the issue of his lifetime. His desire for a nuclear bomb-free world seems utterly sincere to me. In other words, although what he's done so far doesn't go far enough, more than most issues for this president, I trust it's a process, of which this is but one step.

For some on the right, like let's say former half-term governor Sarah Palin, it doesn't matter what Obama does. They'll complain anyway. Hell, Obama could shoot a wolf from a helicopter while signing a law that allows oil drilling in the Arctic Ocean, and Sarah Palin would somehow claim that he's a socialist.

Anyway, about her response to all the anti-nuclear activities of the past few days, Greg Sargent pulled out this quote in his Morning Plum:

It’s kinda like getting out there on a playground, a bunch of kids, getting ready to fight, and one of the kids saying, "Go ahead, punch me in the face and I’m not going to retaliate."

Of course it's not actually like that at all because, you see, the use of nuclear weapons isn't off the table completely, and let's face facts: we have an enormous arsenal of non-nuclear warheads at our disposal that can just as easily destroy things. See "Iraq, Baghdad" for details.

So really it's kinda like getting out there on a playground, a bunch of kids, getting ready to fight, and one of the kids saying, "You punch me in the face, I will take this shotgun, blow a hole in your head, and fuck your skull. How strong does your fist look now, next to my shotgun and cock?"

That's a Spicy Cluster Bomb!

At the most kickass Thai restaurant in New York (in Queens, of course), when a whitey like me asks for "spicy," the waiters shake their heads knowingly, and say, "For you, medium." The medium will raise your eyebrows and keep your mouth searching for water or something without heat to dull the tingle. Even our go-to dish, the Penang curry, at "mild," is right at the threshold of pleasure and pain for my taste buds, which are more used to bland Eurofood. "Mild" is not a fair description for the Penang. It's got real kick. And it's delicious.

The point is that in the hot climes, they make a hotter cuisine. In this country, count on the Cajuns, Mexicans, African-Americans, and other southern American cookers to wake your mouth up. Once you get into South and Southeast Asian cuisine, we're getting into a whole different ballgame.

Well, the Indians (of South Asia, not the indigenous Americans) are exploring new ways to use their superhot "ghost peppers." They're not just for food anymore!

The ghost chili can be 400 times hotter than our wimpy Tabasco sauce. So what better to do with the chili than weaponize it? The Indian military is going to make some fucking ghost chili hand grenades.

All you gotta do is get yourself some fresh seafood, andouille sausage, rice, okra, and other vegetables, throw them in a big pot along with a delicious seafood stock, then throw one of those ghost chili grenades into a foxhole to smoke out a terrorist, gather up some of the leftover smoke for your pot, and you've got a delicious, spicy gumbo for sustenance during interrogation.

It's World AIDS Day

How did you celebrate World AIDS Day today, B&E readers? Backroom blood transfusions? Unprotected sex? Needle sharing?

Hm... Since so many people still die from complications related to AIDS, perhaps this is a conversation for the "Too Soon" column. Apologies, B&E readers.

So instead of offensive jokes, let's celebrate World AIDS Day in the only appropriate way imaginable...

Let's escalate the war in Afghanistan!

I'm feeling bleak. Are you feeling bleak? Who's feeling bleak? Hello? Is this thing on?